It’s quiet out here today. Meet the Authors is over. We’ve already met ‘em. Well, most of ‘em. Some of them would rather you meet them in the pages of Awkward Two, which is just fine. It’s a good place to meet people. Did I mention that we’ve soft launched? We’ve soft launched. The big push comes next week, but we’re taking orders. This is the part where I get a little nervous, the part where we start taking people’s money.

Well, we need something, to keep with this nice stream of traffic we’ve been generating lately. So I propose a list of songs that get in our heads in certain situations. For example:

- Every time I buy an apple at the farmer’s market, I get Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi” in my head. (“Give me spots on apples/but leave me the birds and the bees.”)
- There’s a Fountains of Wayne song called “Seatbacks and Traytables Up” that cycles through my head whenever I’m on a plane.

That is a short list. Anyone else?

I mean, c’mon. 18 months paid paternity leave. 25 work days minimum vacation. 2 weeks worth of public holidays. Universal health insurance. What else? Oh, maybe just a population full of the healthiest, happiest, and most attractive people in the entire world and PURE DOMINANCE of the pop hook! At what point do we admit that they’ve just got it figured out?

Okay, they’re more homogeneous than we are. They have way higher taxes. What else? It’s cold? I mean, you know that money doesn’t make people happy, right? Plenty of happy people who aren’t rich, plenty of miserable people who are. Some brain devil tells us that we would be different. Maybe other people are unhappy being rich, but I would not be. Well, I declare hooey! You would be just as sad and lonely as you are now. The only way money could ever make you happy is if it could buy you a machine that would let you travel back in time and murder your parents before they fucked you up.

The alternative to that kind of machine is a high quality of life. And all those things would go on my quality of life wish list. If it means I’ve gotta pay a little extra for it, so be it. I already give 60% of my income away to charity* ; why not just donate it to building a better society?

* I totally don’t give 60% of my income away to charity.

Since we started this whole “Meet the Writers” thing, traffic on awkwardpress.com has shot through the roof. We got over 2,600 hits in the last month. Which may not seem like much to your Justin Biebers and your Chocolate Rainers, but it’s pretty damn good for us.

Internet traffic is like a drug. Ask our friend Clay, who went from blogging naysayer to Fangoria phenomenon after discovering the thrill of writing a hot blog post. It is very exciting to check your stats every day and see them going up. Especially for us writers, who are mostly unfamiliar with the joys of popularity.

Getting popular is exciting, but staying popular is hard. If you’re not updating your blog a few times a day, you can forget keeping an audience. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way several times over the years, and the Internet is littered with blogs that have been sitting untouched for years.

In my quest to avoid becoming one of these blogs, I just went poking around to see what the kids are into. I needed a quick post that I could churn out to make it seem as if we’re still relevant, and I thought I’d take the easy route of just reposting some other dude’s viral video and calling it a day. But here’s the rub: there is nothing going on out there. And from this five minute survey, I have determined that viral videos are dead. They’re over. The market has become saturated and is starting to eat itself.

Until the Awkward Two trailer is released next week, that is. Make way for Viral Videos 2.0!

In the meantime, here’s some dumb crap that I stole from Buzzfeed. Read the rest of this entry →

One thing you should know before reading Awkward Two: John Harrower’s story, “Greed,” is disturbing. It caused quite a bit of debate among the Awkward editors. We almost didn’t accept it because it was so disturbing, but then we decided that rejecting a story because it genuinely affected us is a very poor reason to reject a story. Our debate had nothing to do with the quality of writing – the story is incredibly imaginative and well-written. It just, well, disturbed us.

At this point, the story has become a personal favorite, and I’m so glad we didn’t make the foolish decision to bag it. It ends with a sentence that is, in my book, on par with “He loved Big Brother” in its shock value. I think it’s going to blow people’s minds and make them feel a little icky in a really delicious way.

I don’t know much about John Harrower because he lives way over yonder in Scotland. An Amazon search turns up a memoir by John Harrower, an indentured servant from the Virginia colony in 1773. I’m pretty certain this is a different John Harrower. I can say this with confidence, though: the modern John Harrower has been a lovely person to work with in all our dealings, and if he has other stories in him as good as “Greed,” he’s going to go a long way in the writing biz.

John Harrower

1) Who are you and why are you here?
My name is John Harrower. I came here to spill some words on you. Sorry if they stain. Read the rest of this entry →

Awkward Two, a collection of 33 micro-short stories by 25 incredible writers, will be released to the public on September 27, 2010. Who are these incredible writers? Let’s meet ‘em! We sent the same 9 questions to all the writers. Here are their answers.

Jeffrey Dinsmore

Jeffrey Dinsmore, also known as Jeffrey D, is the main brain behind Awkward Press and the man responsible for 90% of the content of this website.  He is also responsible for 90% of the world’s orgasms.  That second part isn’t true, but what is true is that Jeffrey is one of my favorite people in the world.  He is that incredible rare combination of someone who is both wildly talented and deeply good.  He’s also one of the funniest people I’ve met, and one of the luckiest as his wife is one of the coolest wives I’ve ever met.  The biggest compliment I can pay him is to say that he’s an inspiration to me — which sounds Tony Robbins-y  I know, but is true.  (Blushing now, Jeff?)  For more about Jeffrey, read pretty much anything on this website, or check out his weight loss progress at www.jeffreydinsmore.com. If you’re interested in giving him money, visit portfolio.jeffreydinsmore.com for work samples.  -Kyle

The Interview Portion

1) Who are you and why are you here?
Jeffrey Dinsmore. I’m here because I have a naïve belief that if you put creative things out into the world and treat people decently, the universe will eventually reward you in some way. So basically, I’m just in it for myself. Read the rest of this entry →

You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to proof a 104 page book. Once you’ve looked at it a dozen times, you start to accept certain things as set in stone, even though a 2 second glance would tell you they’re completely wrong. I thought we’d minimized the typos in Awkward Two to a comma here or there, but it turns out we’ve made some major screw-ups that need to be addressed. So far, these mistakes include:

1) Vinnie Penn‘s “Saved by the Smell”: Vinnie Penn wrote a hilarious story for the book called “Saved by the Smell.” Great title, right? Only you’d never know this was the title if you looked at the table of contents or the comments in the book. In each of these places, the story is referred to as “The Apartment.” Major, major screwup, and I’m very sorry to Mr. Penn for the mistake. Please know that the actual title of the story is “Saved by the Smell.” If we ever do reprints, we’ll make sure this is corrected.

2) Matthew David Brozik‘s “Baldfaced Lawyer”: Matthew David Brozik is referred to as Matthew Brozik on the back of the book and in the table of contents. A writer’s name is his brand, and mistakes like this are unforgivable. Mr. Brozik should not forgive us. Again, corrections will be made.

3) I haven’t actually heard from the writer on this one, but same deal with Shari D. Frost … we left out the D.

Hopefully none of these mistakes affect the integrity of the stories, but they are really annoying and somewhat insulting to the authors who have worked their asses off to help us out. If you have a story in Awkward Two and you notice an error, please let me know … I’ll put a correction on the website and make sure it gets edited for the digital release. I apologize wholeheartedly for the errors and will do my best to correct them in any way I can.

Shame-facedly,
Jeffrey

Over the two years that Awkward Press has been in existence, I’ve written a lot of posts about all the awesome things my partners Clay and Kyle have been doing. Because they do truly awesome things, like getting a story in Akashic’s Richmond Noir collection and releasing classic rock n’ roll records. Well, I’m proud to report that I finally have some bragging of my own to do. About a month ago, a company I work with in LA called Roger was tapped to do some promos for the new Conan O’ Brien show on TBS. I wrote up a bunch of ideas, and one of them got picked. Within days, the crazy-talented guys at Roger had whipped up a sample video. They asked me to come in and do the voiceover, thinking they’d be asked to put together a more complete version with real actors later.

A week goes by, and the TBS people call them up to say, “Hey! We love it! Thanks!” The Roger guys (none of whom are named Roger, BTW) ask them when they’d like the final version, and TBS says, “This is it! We’re done!” So airing on TBS right now is a promo for Conan O’ Brien that I wrote and narrated. I feel like a high school girl in Passaic who just got asked to prom by the orangest juicehead in New Jersey!

The sound is a little tough to decipher since we did it with a USB mic in iMovie (!), but there you go! Modern advertising at it’s best. Check it out after the break! Read the rest of this entry →

Awkward Two, a collection of 33 micro-short stories by 25 incredible writers, will be released to the public on September 27, 2010. Who are these incredible writers? Let’s meet ‘em! We sent the same 9 questions to all the writers. Here are their answers.

Rachel Lieberman

Rachel Lieberman is a victim of her own brilliance. As I mention like every day to anyone who will listen, Awkward Two is more than just a book … it’s also an experiment in instant adaptation. A few months ago, we gave copies of the stories to a selection of independent filmmakers and invited them to try and adapt them for the silver screen. Rachel’s piece, “Instructions for Operating a Heartbreaking Machine,” was an instant favorite among the filmmakers. One of these filmmakers decided to try and adapt the piece for a Showtime contest that was going on at the time. Unfortunately, life got in the way, and the film has yet to progress past the planning stages. We do have some kick-ass frames, though, which I’ll probably include in the “conceptual extras” portion of the book or somewhere on the website. Book, web, iPad … it’s all the same thing nowadays, wot?

I’m very sad that we never got a chance to see the finished version of what would have undoubtably been a masterpiece of the short film format, but at least we still have Rachel’s ceaselessly entertaining story to fall back on. And not only that, but because “Heartbreaking” was on the shorter side of the micro-short spectrum, Rachel was kind enough to provide us with one more thoroughly entertaining piece to round out the book. Her enthusiasm, talent, and absolute coolness have been much appreciated throughout the process, and I look forward to the day when you’ll gobble up her work and roll it around in your mouth like a lovely Sweet Tart, as it deserves.

1) Who are you and why are you here?
My name is Rachel. I’m here because Jeffrey and the rest of the Awkward crew liked my work. I think that’s pretty neat. I also think Awkward in general is pretty neat. Read the rest of this entry →

Awkward Two, a collection of 33 micro-short stories by 25 incredible writers, will be released to the public on September 27, 2010. Who are these incredible writers? Let’s meet ‘em! We sent the same 9 questions to all the writers. Here are their answers.

Joanna Whitmarsh

Look, here’s the thing. As I’m doing the intros to these profiles, you may start to notice that I happen to know quite a few of the writers personally. “Nepotism!” you cry. “Awkward Press is nothing but a bunch of nepotisers!” But see: it isn’t like that. When we went through the submissions, we were not allowed to read stories by writers we knew. We did not pick our friends for this book. It just so happens that we know some kick-ass writers.

The fact that Joanna Whitmarsh is a kick-ass writer came as a complete surprise. I met her in a community art class that I took at Barnsdall Park in Los Feliz. The same community art class, in fact, that was taught by awkwardpress.com legend Victoria Howard. See how the world works? Circles.

Joanna and I were the only people in the class younger than 87, so naturally we struck up a bond. Come to find out she’s a sketch comedy writer. “Well!” said I, “What do you know? I happen to own a publishing company, and we’re looking for short stories! Which are like sketches without all that acting nonsense! Also: I’m a notorious nepotiser!” A week later, she sent me a submission, which I promptly sent along to my partners. And they loved it! And wanted it in the book! And then I read it! And totally agreed! And I came back to art class and broke the news to Joanna and we screamed and jumped around the room in glee, smashing amateurish attempts at pottery to the ground in joyful abandon.

The point of the story: Joanna is the best. Her story is great, and I have no doubt that you will soon love her as much as I do. By the end of this profile, I predict!

1) Who are you and why are you here?
I’m still figuring out the who part a little but, I come in peace. Most of the time, anyway. Read the rest of this entry →

Awkward Two, a collection of 33 micro-short stories by 25 incredible writers, will be released to the public on September 27, 2010. Who are these incredible writers? Let’s meet ‘em! We sent the same 9 questions to all the writers. Here are their answers.

Shari D. Frost

Shari D. Frost is another of the fabulous writers who found us out there in the ether. There are a lot of great stories in Awkward Two, don’t get me wrong. 33 of them, to be exact. But Shari’s story “My Girl” was the only one in the bunch that really, truly threw me for a loop. I don’t want to give too much away, but she somehow manages to fit 3 major twists into a story that is under 1,500 words. Just when you think the story’s about one thing, it veers in a different direction. It’s a really unique take on our expectations of genre that kept me enthralled from the first word to the last, and I can’t wait for you to read it!

The Interview Portion

1) Who are you and why are you here?
Still working on that one…I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime I’m open to suggestions, so if you find any clues in anything I’ve written, let me know. Read the rest of this entry →