Awkward Press

Independent publishers of imaginative fiction and daily meditations on the ridiculousness of the universe.
Subscribe

Archive for June, 2009

Dummy Post

June 28, 2009 By: Category: Uncategorized

There are no posts by this author at this time.

Awkward Movie Review: Moon

June 26, 2009 By: Category: Greatest Hits, Movie Reviews

I wish this was just a poster for the moon, instead of a poster for the movie Moon.

I wish there wasn't a movie called Moon and this was just a poster for how cool the moon is.

The moon. What is it? Is it a planet? A vegetable? A giant ball of space lint? These are the questions that have haunted man for decades, if not centuries. Thankfully, Moon has landed in a handful of theaters around the country to answer these questions, and more.

In answer to the first question: it is not a planet. It is a lifeless rock. They don’t even have trees. Who knew?

Here’s another interesting thing about the moon that I learned from this movie: once you’re on it, it’s not very easy to get home, even in the future. This is what the movie is about, how hard it is to get home from the moon. We can all relate to this problem. Imagine you’re at the bar and you’re ten miles away from your house and you don’t want to drive home because you’re pretty drunk but it’s really your only option. Now imagine that you don’t have a car and there are 250,000 miles (I looked it up!) of brain-exploding space between you and home. And you’ve been at the bar for three years. By yourself and without any alcohol. Now you know how scary Moon is, which is very scary indeed.

(more…)

Celebrate Michael Jackson with Rhymefest

June 26, 2009 By: Category: Music

A few months ago, the amazing Chicago-based rapper (do people say that still? rapper? or is it cooler to just call him an MC?) Rhymefest self-released an excellent (and highly illegal) tribute to Michael Jackson produced in collaboration with Mark Ronson. You can get it for free here, courtesy of Rhymefest. May it make you feel all goose-pimply.

Breaking Jeff Goldblum News!

June 25, 2009 By: Category: Uncategorized

OH MY GOD NOW JEFF GOLDBLUM IS DEAD, TOO?!?

Update: Hooray! Jeff Goldblum is alive again!

Breaking Michael Jackson News!

June 25, 2009 By: Category: Uncategorized

This just in! Michael Jackson had a heart attack!

One of my hopes for my life has always been to outlive Michael Jackson. Because when he dies, we might finally find out what in the Hell that dude is all about.

Update: Oh my god. I guess I just got my wish.

Wow. I’m speechless.

Dear Tim Burton

June 22, 2009 By: Category: Greatest Hits, Movies

Hi! First of all, thanks for Edward Scissorhands and Beetlejuice. Those were great, how that guy had scissors for hands and that dead clown was so scary. Second of all, you dirty filthy bastard, if you ruin another one of my favorite books, I will kill you. Here is a picture from your new retelling of Alice in Wonderland.

Johnny Depp as the Mad Prop Comic

Johnny Depp as the Mad Prop Comic

Here, by contrast, is John Tenniel’s classic interpretation of the Mad Hatter.

John Tenniel's Mad Hatter

John Tenniel's Mad Hatter

Now, it is useful to note that John Tenniel’s illustrations were in the first edition of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, meaning they were approved by Lewis Carroll himself with all respect to the original text. It is also useful to note that the Mad Hatter in John Tenniel’s drawings is not a Bozo-haired S&M drag king.

See, here’s my problem with you, Tim Burton. You are not very funny. I’m sorry, but you’re not. Pee Wee Herman, he’s funny, and so you made a funny movie with Pee Wee Herman. Somehow you pulled off Ed Wood, a movie that was mature, well-paced, funny, and touching. But did you see Mars Attacks? Did you, Tim Burton? Did you watch your own movie that you made? Because it was not funny.

The worst things you do are adaptations and remakes, and you seem to do an awful lot of those kinds of movies. I don’t know how you managed to sap the humor out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but you did. It is practically impossible to remove the humor from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. That’s like removing the cute from a koala. Watching your version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was like watching a koala with rabies and knowing that I was going to have to kill it later by myself with a safety pin. The day I saw your version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was the day the clown cried.

And now you’re doing Alice in Wonderland, because of course you are, because there is nothing more Tim Burton on earth than Alice in Wonderland. Except for that part about how even though it has a sinister edge, it’s also one of the funniest books ever written. My guess is that your interpretation of it is going to be all sinister edge with, I don’t know, a fart or two. Which, come on, Tim Burton. Just because Lewis Carroll liked to take pictures of naked little girls doesn’t mean you have to punish the rest of us. I’ll admit, this one’s a little better:

Cyndi Lauper

Cyndi Lauper

… or it would be a little better if Helena Bonham Carter wasn’t the only woman you knew. You should meet more women, Tim Burton.

And you should stop ruining my favorite books, please. If you make another adaptation, please choose something that is not very good. Like Marley and Me. A little of your gothic S&M touch could really do wonders to Marley and Me.

Breaking Persepolis News!

June 17, 2009 By: Category: Politics

Who knew Marjane Satrapi was this hot?

Who knew Marjane Satrapi was this hot?

Awkwardpress.com is quickly becoming your go-to resource for all news Persepolis (see right sha and sha). In a stunning turn of events, Persepolis creator Marjane Satrapi apparently knows what really happened in the Iranian election:

Two Iranian filmmakers on Tuesday presented a document to Green Party MPs in the European parliament claiming to show that defeated presidential candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi had received over 19 million votes in the weekend election.

Marjane Satrapi, Iranian author and director and Mohsen Makhmalbaf, an Iranian filmmaker and Mousavi spokesman, presented a document that they claimed had come from the Iranian electoral commission.

The document said liberal cleric and former parliament speaker Mehdi Karroubi came second in the election with a total of 13.3 million votes, while president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad came third with only 5.49 million votes.

“Ahmadinejad received only 12 percent of the vote, not 65 percent,” said Marjane Satrapi, who was the director of Oscar-nominated film Persepolis.

If this is true, you gotta at least give Ahmadinejad credit for having absolutely no concern with finesse. He didn’t just steal this election, he pillaged it. Which, if you’re gonna steal an election, freaking steal that shit, right? None of this “we’ll leave it up to the Supreme Court” bullshit. You gotta grab that shit and put it in your pocket, and when other people are like, “I just saw you stick that election in your pocket,” you’re like “but I don’t even have any hands.” And then when they’re all, “what?” you’re like, “laterz!”

Oh, How We’ve Grown

June 17, 2009 By: Category: Politics

Headline from the LA Times today:

Obama policy is outreach to gays

I haven’t actually read the article yet, because doing so would take time away from my bond trading hobby busy derivative trading schedule gun cleaning regimen. But I am strangely fascinated by this headline. It is referring to the administration’s new policy of giving equal rights to homosexual couples who work for the State Department. Which, I have a friend who works for the State Department, and she said she has coworkers who are a lesbian couple. When they are stationed in a new country, they always get stationed together. But the State Department must put them up in two different apartments. Which, you don’t think about the logistics of little things like that, but apparently that’s how it goes.

When I first read this headline, I wasn’t aware it was referring to a specific decision. I thought it was just saying that Obama had a personal policy of reaching out to gays. Like Oprah. There is something very funny about this headline that I can’t quite put my finger on. Help me out, people! Why is this headline funny?

Your Government at Work

June 16, 2009 By: Category: Publishing

I just called to check on the copyright status for our first book. According to the electronic man on the other end of the phone machine, it currently takes 1 year for copyright requests to be processed. One year! Dear President Obama: please hire some more people to work at the copyright office. Thanks!

Also, the Library of Congress’s website suggests that you use “Netscape 4.5 or Microsoft Explorer 4.0″ when viewing their website. Does Netscape even exist anymore? And was there really a period when IE was called “Microsoft Explorer”?

On Healthcare

June 16, 2009 By: Category: Greatest Hits, Politics

Health insurance is the dumbest system anyone could ever create for dealing with sick people. Insurance in general makes no sense. I can understand paying for things that you are going to use. If I buy a CD (plastic containment system for music, popular circa 1985-2005), then I get to keep that CD and the music that is on it. One does not have a similar thrill of ownership with health insurance. My insurance company won’t even give me a book listing my benefits. I am paying approximately $2400/year for a plastic card. They could at least make the cards out of something slightly more substantial, like pewter.

At its heart, health insurance is a punishment and reward system for bodily functions. According to Wikipedia, the health insurance system as it stands today did not develop until the 1950s. Before that, when you went to the doctor, you paid him for the doctoring he gave you. Now you pay the insurance company in advance for the doctoring you might get in the future, and then you pay the doctor a little bit more when he actually gives you that doctoring. What Wikipedia does not say, and what I have always been curious about: why does health care have anything to do with employment? I can understand that it is in a company’s best interest to make sure their employees are physically well. But there are an awful lot of areas where my employer does not seem to care about my health. Like food. Employers do not buy my groceries. Or sleep. I am required to buy my own mattresses and make sure I get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

(more…)