Awkward Press

Independent publishers of imaginative fiction and daily meditations on the ridiculousness of the universe.

Archive for February, 2010

Magic Quotes

February 25, 2010 By: Category: Site Notices

A free copy of Awkward One goes to the first person who can tell me why double quotation marks are added every time I use a blockquote in WordPress. Example:

””””””This is a single quotation mark.”””””” “This is a double quotation mark.”

Any php smarties out there?

Update: Nothing is actually happening to the double quotes, the apostrophes are being changed into double quotation marks. That is the real problem. Like so:

Mark said, “I love the part where Juliet””””””””s all ””””””””Wherefore art thou, Romeo?”””””””””

Update Update: Ack! More quotation marks are being added every time I edit the post! See that first quote up there? That started out as a single apostrophe before and after “This” and “mark”.

Also note: nothing is happening in the regular post, it””””s only in the blockquotes.

Update Update Update: WRONG! It”s happening everywhere! Haaaaaalp!

Update Update Update Update: Je l’ai! It’s fixed! No one wins the book. (FYI: No one really tried to win the book.)

Dirty Projectors at the Phil

February 25, 2010 By: Category: Music

The Dirty Projectors are playing at Walt Disney Concert Hall on Saturday with the LA Philharmonic. Who is excited about that? We are. We all are very excited about that, yourself included. In an interview with LA Weekly, Dave Longstreth from the Dirty Projectors provided my new favorite quote:

Longstreth says it took him no time to assemble a comprehensive list of pieces he wanted to hear the Phil perform, but the challenge was finding music that fit the specs of the orchestra.

“It was difficult for me. I kept being, like, ””Yo! Let”s do some late-”70s Philip Glass stuff, where the winds are amplified and this shit is just fucking terse!” ”

Hahaha. Anyone who can make Philip Glass sound gangsta is okay in my book. “Yo! Gimme some of that Philip Glass business and make it fucking terse!”

Seth MacFarlane Schools Sarah Palin

February 19, 2010 By: Category: News, Videos

I am not a Family Guy fan. Truthfully, I have not seen many episodes. But every time I watch it, I feel like most of the jokes are not really jokes, they are just references. I.E.:

Peter: I haven't felt this bad since we took acid and went to see Shields and Yarnell!
Flashback to Shields and Yarnell show. Shields and Yarnell perform their famous robot couple routine on stage. Peter and Lois stand up in the audience and begin removing their clothes.
Peter: It's people! Soylent Green is people!
Lois (screaming): You're no Mummenschanz!

But that being said … WELL PLAYED, SETH MACFARLANE.

Bonus videos: Please put your hands together for … Shields and Yarnell and Mummenschanz!

The Awkward Movie Challenge: ‘Suite 208 Does David Lynch’

February 18, 2010 By: Category: Greatest Hits, Movie Reviews, The Awkward Movie Challenge


According to Netflix, Mike and Jeffrey agree with each other on movies 84% of the time. In their weekly feature, The Awkward Movie Challenge, they search valiantly for that sweet 16% that results in big arguments and big laughs.

Jeffrey Dinsmore is one of those people I’ve always expected big things from and from whom I’ve always expected big things. As a novelist, he has written one of the funniest books of the ‘00s, a metaphysical sci-fi detective story called Johnny Astronaut. Well, he claims he wrote it. The author credit on the cover reads “Rory Carmichael”, but I am told there is some question regarding whether or not this person actually exists. I personally choose to believe he doesn’t, if only because he has never been photographed alongside Jeffrey. I’m told that photos of Carmichael by himself are fairly scarce too.

As a biographer, Dinsmore co-wrote I, an Actress: The Autobiography of Karen Jamey, the memoirs of a movie star who has not aged well. I am told Karen Jamey, like Carmichael, may only exist in Jeffrey’s head. I saw a movie the other night and thought I saw Karen Jamey’s name in the credits, but a visit to imdb revealed that the last name of the actress is actually “Janney”. And her first name is actually “Allison”. The movie was American Beauty. Like Karen Jamey, it has not aged well either.

Jamey… Janney… Jamey… Janney


We Make Movies

February 16, 2010 By: Category: Videos

Brendan is my officemate. He’s a very talented director. Yesterday, we made a very talented film that I think deserves all the awards. Here it is.

Suite 208 does David Lynch from Brendan Hughes on Vimeo.

What a Day for Celebrity News!

February 11, 2010 By: Category: News

Oh my gosh! Alexander McQueen committed suicide!

Fashion designer Alexander McQueen has taken his own life at age 40. His office confirmed his death, saying: ‘It is a tragic loss. We are not making a comment at this time out of respect for the McQueen family.’ He was found at his home in London.

Full disclosure: I’m not really sure who Alexander McQueen is.

But then! I totally know who this guy is!

Alec Baldwin, a star of NBC’s “30 Rock,” was examined Thursday at a hospital after his daughter called 911 saying he had threatened to take pills after they argued, a law enforcement official said.

Baldwin’s daughter called 911 at around 12:10 a.m. from his Central Park West apartment, according to the official, who spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity because the person wasn’t authorized to speak publicly.

What the hell is going on with Alec Baldwin and his daughter? Man. That guy is totally the crying-on-the-inside type.

But who really cares about any of that stuff? Because now we know that dinosaurs really looked like this:


Lost Season 2 Episode 2: No Spoilers

February 10, 2010 By: Category: TV

Shut up! ShutupshutupshutupSHUTUP!

Listen here, Lost. I really worked my ass off for you. For the past several years, I’ve avoided every mention of Lost in the media. I’ve ignored every review, every article, every publicity photo. I did these things because I knew one day I would watch the whole series and I did not want to know what was coming.

And starting last spring, I did exactly that. I watched every episode of this damn series on the digital movie playing machine. My wife quickly “lost” interest, (get it? That’s a pun because it’s the name of the show) but I kept at it. I knew this was the last season and I wanted to enjoy it along with the rest of America.

But so then why are you being so lame to me? I put in my time! I thought we were friends! But you are not being interesting! Half of you is devoted to circumstances that are maybe not even really happening. And then the other half of you is stuck in some ugly cave with a bunch of dickheads that no one cares about. (more…)


Unhappy Hipsters

February 05, 2010 By: Category: Websites

I have just been made aware of Go. Now.

Believe it or not, it was one of their more successful parties.

(Thanks, Brendan!)

An Hilarious Prank

February 04, 2010 By: Category: Uncategorized

Now I’m doing research on pranks. My days are filled with fascinating work. I did a Google search for “best pranks” and the third page that came up was one of those pages on the Internet that have been around since 1991, just sitting there waiting to lure hapless Googlers like me into their suckery. Here’s one of their suggestions:

Prank Party!

One day get together with a couple of your friends for a sleep-over. Choose one friend before the party and tell everyone you’re going to pull a prank on them. Tell your friends to bring ANY prank stuff that they have. When your friend falls asleep, pull a series of pranks such as:
# Sleep-makeovers,
# face fart spray,
# gum in hair,
# and fingers in cold water.

When you run out of pranks, get a CD and put it in your CD player. Turn the volume all the way up. Tell one person to turn on the light when the music goes off. Tell 2 people to dance on the bed, tell some people to blow whistles and scream. Turn on the music and watch your friend go nuts.

Clever! I am especially a fan of the “face fart spray” prank.


We Live by Advertising

February 04, 2010 By: Category: Videos

I’m doing some research on popular viral ads for a client, and I came across some good ones that I’ve never seen before. Let me just say that I’m not 100% comfortable with the idea of advertising as entertainment. But then on the other hand, I am getting paid to write those entertaining advertisements. So, I guess I actually feel okay about it. On the other other hand, t would be awesome if we lived in a world where no one had to make money and we all had trust funds.