Awkward Press

Independent publishers of imaginative fiction and daily meditations on the ridiculousness of the universe.

Archive for April, 2011

The Awkward Movie Challenge: The Lost Boys

April 28, 2011 By: Category: Greatest Hits, The Awkward Movie Challenge

According to Netflix, Mike and Jeffrey agree with each other on movies 84% of the time. In their regular feature, The Awkward Movie Challenge, they search valiantly for that sweet 16% that results in big arguments and big laughs.


Phew. Boy oh boy, did we just take a long hiatus from the movie challenge. A lot has happened since we last talked. Segretto had a baby and I finally became a man, officially, in a tribal ceremony that involved a lot of painful tweezing and embarrassing obstacle courses. Being a man is harder work than I imagined. There’s a lot of construction and swearing involved.

But now we’re back, and we’re ready to “sink our teeth” into an 80s classic, The Lost Boys. Ha ha ha, that’s a joke, because The Lost Boys is a movie about vampires, and one thing about vampires is that they like to put their teeth in things. Another thing about them is that they all look like members of Aerosmith during Aerosmith’s very bad period. These are the kinds of lessons we learn from watching The Lost Boys.

Let me get this out of the way right off the bat: I love this movie. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid, but when I was a kid, I watched it many, many times. I was not aware how many times I had watched it until I rewatched it last night. Every line of dialogue is ingrained in my brain. I know every song inside and out because my sister would listen to the soundtrack over and over again. If you know the soundtrack, actually, you already know half the movie, because it is basically a music video with occasional dialogue. And unexpected special guests!

Hi David Cross!

Hi Bill S. Preston, Esquire!


The Least Controversial Packaging Message in Recorded History

April 12, 2011 By: Category: Awkwardness

This message is printed on the back of my container of half & half:

Ha! This message is the best. I love that Alta Dena is out there supporting the brave people. It’s good! Brave people need our support!

I also like the implication that simply living in America is now considered an act of bravery.

The New Beastie Boys Thing Will Unquestionably Be the Best Thing

April 07, 2011 By: Category: Videos

I have no idea what’s going on here, but it is clearly a trailer for the best thing that has ever been put on film. I especially love that the Beastie Boys do not know such a thing as a regular person. They are all-celebrity, all the time. It’s like an episode of Spitting Image except for real and not British.

Also: the new song? Fresh!

This Kinda Says It All

April 05, 2011 By: Category: News

From Salon:

Liberty University, the evangelical private Christian school founded by dead apartheid-supporting bigot Jerry Falwell, received $445 million in federal financial aid money last year. The Corporation for Public Broadcasting, by the way, received $420 million from the federal government.

I hope this will send a clear message to NPR and PBS that they need to drop the radical programming and get with the American agenda. Sayonara, Car Talk and Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me. Hello, Objectivist Dance Party.

Charlie Sheen: Local Boy Makes Good

April 03, 2011 By: Category: News

So, Charlie Sheen is on a spoken word tour. Good for him! He clearly deserves it. The show debuted in Detroit last night and apparently it was not entertaining.

Charlie Sheen was heckled, booed and eventually abandoned by the crowd at his inaugural stage show, with many of the audience members chanting “refund” and heading for the exits even before the show abruptly ended.

Okay, that’s not surprising. Even the most magical warlock in the universe could not put together an entertaining one-man show all by himself in 2 weeks. Professional comedians take years to develop a good hours’ worth of material. 99% of all comedy films suck. It is not in the slightest bit surprising that a fairly talentless drug addict who has never demonstrated any creative abilities beyond playing himself on a shitty sitcom would put on an uninteresting show.

But what is surprising is the audience seemed to think Charlie Sheen actually does have magical powers. To wit:

Linda Fugate, who paid $150 for two seats, left the theater and walked up the street, yelling, “I want my money back!”

“I was hoping for something. I didn’t think it would be this bad,” said Fugate, a 47-year-old from Lincoln Park, Mich.

If you have enough disposable income to pay $75 per ticket to see Charlie Sheen rant just because you were “hoping for something,” then you deserve anything you get.

I’ll tell you what the scarier thing is about this phenomenon, though … is that there are people in this world (at least 5,100 in Detroit, the capacity of the Fox … this in a city that just reported a 25% drop in its population) who are unable to distinguish reality from entertainment. People watch the Charlie Sheen show on the news and Entertainment Tonight and on the cover of People and they think of it in the same terms as they would think of an actual, scripted piece of entertainment. It is only a matter of time before we see a tour of the Libya show, complete with live atrocities. Only no one will buy tickets to that one, because no one really cares about Libya.