Awkward Press

Sorry folks, I’m really phoning it in this week. Or rather, not answering the phone. There’s a reason, though: I have been up to my eyeballs in code, trying to figure out how to make this eBook thing work.

The good news is that I think I finally got it! The bad news is that I’ve been lying to all of you for several months now. See, when we first conceived of the Awkward film & book project, we were all, “that’ll be awesome on the iPad! People can read a story and then watch the movie immediately afterwards!” But at the time, we soon discovered, you couldn’t actually do that, because the iTunes store did not allow books with embedded video. And also we had no idea how to code that freaking thing even if they did.

All that changed about two weeks ago. According to my inside sources, iTunes now hosts books with moving picture shows stuck right inside them, just as we’d always hoped. And just as we’d promised you, even though we had absolutely no business doing so.

Anyway, last night I dove into the matrix and figured out how to create this thing we’ve been promising to create, even though the universe consistently reassured us that we were not allowed to create this thing. And I think I finally got it! (I said that already!)

So we won! We beat the universe! And honestly, we couldn’t be prouder of myself. Pat on the back, me! In the meantime, however, Awkward Thee Website has faltered. And right before the book is being released and we need to drum up interest, too. See how these things work? Self-sabotage.

So I’ll just tell you two things, post a video, and get back to poring over code. 1) Catfish. Go see it. Amazing. 2) The new Superchunk record. Buy it. It’s as if 1994 never ended.

And now an important message from our sponsor, by way of Videogum by way of Everything Is Terrible:

See you on the other side, dudes!

It’s finally here. All of our hard work has paid off. The brass ring is dangling from the ceiling, just waiting to be snatched by our fingers, which are all sticky from gummy bears. After almost a year of backbreaking labor, we are pleased to announce that Awkward Two is now available for pre-order, exclusively on awkwardpress.com.

The book will be officially released on September 27th. It will be available on Amazon, on all eReading devices (is that really what they’re called?), and at a handful of fine bookstores on the coasts. And maybe one in Petoskey, Michigan … I know a guy.

So why should you pre-order from awkwardpress.com? Simple: FREE STUFF. Order from us, and you’ll get a super special, super rare, limited edition DVD featuring a selection of the fine films that are being produced exclusively for Awkward Two. These movies include:

• Inappropriate Gifts, directed by Tracy Dishman, based on the story by Lynette D'Amico (Watch Inappropriate Gifts right here!)
• The Vanishing Point, directed by Eric Kissack, based on the story by me
• grand marshal, directed by Oliver Butler, based on the story by Clay McLeod Chapman
• Egg Salad 1967, directed by Brian Bartlet, based on the story by Nadja Stokes
• Zen and the Art of House Painting, directed by Joel Maguen, based on the story by Wayne Scheer

“OMG,” you say. “Whaddya want for this deluxe package? $100? $200? My first born child?” No! No! and eww! Bad parenting! All we’re asking for is $10 (+ $2 shipping and handling) and this exciting package is yours! So buy it! Buy it now! What are you waiting for? Buy it!

Seriously, stop reading and just buy it!

You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to proof a 104 page book. Once you’ve looked at it a dozen times, you start to accept certain things as set in stone, even though a 2 second glance would tell you they’re completely wrong. I thought we’d minimized the typos in Awkward Two to a comma here or there, but it turns out we’ve made some major screw-ups that need to be addressed. So far, these mistakes include:

1) Vinnie Penn‘s “Saved by the Smell”: Vinnie Penn wrote a hilarious story for the book called “Saved by the Smell.” Great title, right? Only you’d never know this was the title if you looked at the table of contents or the comments in the book. In each of these places, the story is referred to as “The Apartment.” Major, major screwup, and I’m very sorry to Mr. Penn for the mistake. Please know that the actual title of the story is “Saved by the Smell.” If we ever do reprints, we’ll make sure this is corrected.

2) Matthew David Brozik‘s “Baldfaced Lawyer”: Matthew David Brozik is referred to as Matthew Brozik on the back of the book and in the table of contents. A writer’s name is his brand, and mistakes like this are unforgivable. Mr. Brozik should not forgive us. Again, corrections will be made.

3) I haven’t actually heard from the writer on this one, but same deal with Shari D. Frost … we left out the D.

Hopefully none of these mistakes affect the integrity of the stories, but they are really annoying and somewhat insulting to the authors who have worked their asses off to help us out. If you have a story in Awkward Two and you notice an error, please let me know … I’ll put a correction on the website and make sure it gets edited for the digital release. I apologize wholeheartedly for the errors and will do my best to correct them in any way I can.

Shame-facedly,
Jeffrey

I sure don’t get the excitement about this whole Comic-Con thing. It sounds like Sundance, only instead of seeing movies, you watch trailers. And then you get to see celebrities talk about the trailers, but in that promotional way, like how they might talk about the film in a DVD extra you’d never watch.

I mean, I like comics as much as the next guy. I’m not rushing out every Wednesday to get the new Justice League, but I like seeing what Garfield’s up to in the morning. But are there even any comics at this thing? All I ever hear about is Jon Favreau. If I was the dude who was there to check out some new comics, I’d be pretty annoyed that I had to shove my way through a bunch of Jon Favreaus to get to them. At an event that is ostensibly all about those comics.

Final analysis: Comic-Con, which I have never been to, is a terrible thing that no one should ever experience. That is all.

Do you want to know what the new issue of Awkward looks like? It looks like this!

Thanks millions to illustrator Aaron Newman a/k/a Baarbarian for the kick-ass cover illustration and designers Holly & Andy at Rumors for the amazing layout! Pre-orders will be accepted soon … get your credit card ready!

This is a big day for us. We’re starting to gear up for the release of Awkward Two, which will be available on Amazon right out of the gate. But first, I had to test the system to make sure Amazon would accept our merch. And what do you know? They did!

From this moment forth, Awkward One will be available at Amazon for $9. Here’s the thing about selling merch through Amazon: they only take a limited number of copies before they have proof that they could make a profit. 1, to be exact. I just sent them one copy, and I’d love for it to be out of their hands before they even receive it. So if you haven’t bought your copy yet and need one more item to get the super saver shipping, toss this bad boy onto your order. If we sell the only copy immediately, they will know that Awkward Press is a force to be reckoned with and hopefully order up a buttload of the next edition. The future of indie-publishing rests in your hands! Order your copy right now!

Optionally, if you’ve already read Awkward One and loved it, please click on over to Amazon and give us a review. The more the merrier!

Next stop, the Kindle! Awkward Press is taking the Internet by storm!

I received this email today from a sender known simply as “Cultural Affairs.”

Hello!

Most of you have probably heard that Victoria Howard will be retiring from the city soon. We invite you to sign her “retirement card”. It’s located under the front counter in the main office and will be available through June 3.

Thanks!

Nancy

I do not know who Victoria Howard or Nancy are, but I’m convinced this is some kind of a code. She’s retiring from the city? Who retires from a city? Why is “retirement card” in quotes? Why are they giving people 3 weeks to sign this card? Someone get me 1,500 words on this email, stat!

You are the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I hate you. What are you doing on my website, you creep? Your teeth are the worst. So are your creepy eyes. Go on, get out of here! Shoo!

Oh, okay. You’re not very big. That’s better. You can hang out. You are still creepy, but I guess you’re sort of cute, too. But wait …

AHHHHHH!!! WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!? Is that your friend? Get him out of here! He’s frightening my customers!