Awkward Press

Independent publishers of imaginative fiction and daily meditations on the ridiculousness of the universe.

Archive for ‘Experiments’

Liveblogging a Glass of Water

July 20, 2009 By: Category: Experiments

Conclusion: This water really worked out well for me. It quenched my thirst, cooled me down, and even curbed my hunger. I may go for some more later. If you’re feeling thirsty, I highly recommend drinking water as an excellent alternative to gulping air or eating sand.

12:06 PM: Feeling on a roll, I decided to just go ahead and finish the thing. Exclusive pics of empty cup are in!

The Water (empty)

The Water (empty)

12:05 PM: Just returned from the bathroom. Feeling much better.

12:00 PM: Right as the morning turns to afternoon, I take my latest sip. Still going down easy. Beginning to feel the water in my bladder. One more drink to go, you guys! Let’s make it a great one!

11:46 AM: Third drink. This one was a little bigger than the others. 1/3 of a glass left to go.

11:41 AM: Second drink. It’s really quenching the thirst.

11:38 AM: First water pics are in! Exclusive!

The Water

The Water

11:36 AM: Take a drink. Refreshing!

11:35 AM: Acquire water from water cooler. The cooler makes a satisfying gurgling noise.

It’s Working! It’s Working!

July 16, 2009 By: Category: Experiments, Site Notices

We’re doing it, you guys! I mean, I’m doing it! (Although, if you’re helping me, credit where credit is due … please let me know what you’re doing to help me out in the Great Awkward Boners Battle and I will see that you are given the proper amount of respect. Which is, frankly, very little.) But anyway, how shocked was I when I did an awkward Google search today and discovered this:



We’ve moved up to page 2! Only 5 days after we first moved to page 3! That’s gotta be some kind of record. Please call the Google people and confirm. (The comment was directed at my secretary. Get on it, Rose.)

Um, except then there’s this:

The competish

The competish

Just when a guy starts to get cocky about his Google position, he sees that hanging out 3 spaces above him. What is that? I don’t even want to click on it.

There is still work to be done, my friends. And by my friends, I mean me.

The Evil Eye Experiment Is Over!

June 12, 2009 By: Category: Experiments, Greatest Hits

The Evil Eye

The Evil Eye

It’s been a lot of fun, you guys, but unfortunately, I’m going to have to put an end to the Evil Eye Experiment. It was great while it lasted, though wasn’t it? We really learned a lot, didn’t we? About evil eyes and quebecois blogs?

I’m being facetious, because in truth, we learned absolutely nothing. Somehow, my original premise was totally wrong. I assumed the Evil Eye blog collected everything on the web that mentioned evil eyes and ran it through English-mangling software, so I wrote a blog post filled with references to evil eyes to see what would happen. Apparently, this is not what the Evil Eye blog does, because they didn’t even touch my second article. Who’s the sucker now? Answer: it’s me!

I originally had planned to run this experiment for a million years, but in light of this new information, I’m going to shorten the length to 1 day. Because that’s how science works. Please know, however, that the experiment wasn’t a complete waste. Today, when I clicked over to the Evil Eye blog to make sure they hadn’t reposted my article without my knowledge, I discovered two slices of genius. The first is the top article, entitled “It Is What It Is: I all in the night-time with Welch’s and Mark Wahlberg“. How can one not be intrigued by that title? Here’s a little taste:

I had some folks on top of final dusk and we were listening to some of the music on TV. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch came on with Good Vibrations–it took me cast mouldy to my younger days when we all cast-off to dancing blow-out approximately the brothel drooling on top of this H. I look cast mouldy every now in a while, and I question.Why? lol This painting that is here is his mean mug hold off.

Mean is defined as follows: wonderful muggins – as a routine to dish someone the underhanded kink and to stair them down. Now I don’t grasp in the wonderful something of you..but this Marky Mark Mean Mug would not ho-hum terrorize a newborn babe in arms. as a routine:) There is nothing like a DDDDeeeeeelllliiiicccciiiiiioooouuussssss confused hooch.

The other amazing thing was that there’s an article titled “Evil Son, Fatpig, which is pretty much the best title ever. Okay, second best … the first being, of course, “The Wonderful Something of You.”

This site is drowning in catchphrases. If it is ever late and your people are over, of course you’ve got some “folks on top of final dusk.” That is exactly what you have. If there’s a better nickname for Mark Wahlberg than Marky Mark Mean Mug, I sure can’t think of it. And I love how the dude looks “cast mouldy” every now in a while. Of course he does. He’s watching Marky Mark Mean Mug with his folks on top of final dusk, of course he’s going to look a little cast mouldy.

And as everyone knows, there is nothing like a DDDDeeeeeelllliiiicccciiiiiioooouuussssss confused hooch! That is clearly the best thing to say when someone is confused.

I don’t know what the Evil Eye blog’s secret is, but I really want to hire their translation robots to write a book for us.

Update: I just reread this and realized that the Marky Mark post reads a lot like slam poetry. So I decided to record the slam poetry version for your listening pleasure:

DDDDeeeeeelllliiiicccciiiiiioooouuussssss Confused Hooch

The Evil Eye Experiment

June 10, 2009 By: Category: Experiments

I’ve set up a Google alert to let me know when Awkward Press is mentioned out there in the world because I’m a total narcissist like that. Today I discovered that the review I wrote just yesterday has already been linked somewhere, which got me pretty excited about the power of the Internet and how my 6 pizza rating system is sweeping the world.

So I click on the link, and I’m taken to a site called “Evil Eye: Un blog utilisant Le Blogue du Québec”. I’m not going to link to it because it’s probably filled with nasty electronic beasties that like throw porn at your computer when your mom’s trying to look at pictures from your trip to Cabo or whatever. But it clearly is not a real site that’s actually maintained by someone, because everything in my review has been translated into some kind of space English. And then I realized that yesterday I talked about the Evil Eye vagina in Lord of the Rings, and so this site must be some kind of aggregator that takes everything that mentions the term evil eye and posts it in mangled English for French speakers (?) Because, like, progress.

But anyway that realization led me to think that if I repost the mangled version of my review from their site, they will in turn post my repost in an even more mangled version. And eventually, after a million years of posting and reposting the same review, we might accidentally write the Bible or something. So after the jump, you will find the mangled version of my review in its entirety. I will let you know tomorrow how it goes!