12:06 PM: Feeling on a roll, I decided to just go ahead and finish the thing. Exclusive pics of empty cup are in!

The Water (empty)

12:05 PM: Just returned from the bathroom. Feeling much better.

12:00 PM: Right as the morning turns to afternoon, I take my latest sip. Still going down easy. Beginning to feel the water in my bladder. One more drink to go, you guys! Let's make it a great one!

11:46 AM: Third drink. This one was a little bigger than the others. 1/3 of a glass left to go.

11:41 AM: Second drink. It's really quenching the thirst.

11:38 AM: First water pics are in! Exclusive!

The Water

11:36 AM: Take a drink. Refreshing!

11:35 AM: Acquire water from water cooler. The cooler makes a satisfying gurgling noise.

PAGE 2, BITCHES!!!

Um, except then there's this:

The competish

Just when a guy starts to get cocky about his Google position, he sees that hanging out 3 spaces above him. What is that? I don't even want to click on it.

There is still work to be done, my friends. And by my friends, I mean me.

The Evil Eye

I'm being facetious, because in truth, we learned absolutely nothing. Somehow, my original premise was totally wrong. I assumed the Evil Eye blog collected everything on the web that mentioned evil eyes and ran it through English-mangling software, so I wrote a blog post filled with references to evil eyes to see what would happen. Apparently, this is not what the Evil Eye blog does, because they didn't even touch my second article. Who's the sucker now? Answer: it's me!

I originally had planned to run this experiment for a million years, but in light of this new information, I'm going to shorten the length to 1 day. Because that's how science works. Please know, however, that the experiment wasn't a complete waste. Today, when I clicked over to the Evil Eye blog to make sure they hadn't reposted my article without my knowledge, I discovered two slices of genius. The first is the top article, entitled "It Is What It Is: I all in the night-time with Welch’s and Mark Wahlberg". How can one not be intrigued by that title? Here's a little taste:

I had some folks on top of final dusk and we were listening to some of the music on TV. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch came on with Good Vibrations–it took me cast mouldy to my younger days when we all cast-off to dancing blow-out approximately the brothel drooling on top of this H. I look cast mouldy every now in a while, and I question.Why? lol This painting that is here is his mean mug hold off.

Mean is defined as follows: wonderful muggins - as a routine to dish someone the underhanded kink and to stair them down. Now I don’t grasp in the wonderful something of you..but this Marky Mark Mean Mug would not ho-hum terrorize a newborn babe in arms. as a routine:) There is nothing like a DDDDeeeeeelllliiiicccciiiiiioooouuussssss confused hooch.

The other amazing thing was that there's an article titled "Evil Son, Fatpig, which is pretty much the best title ever. Okay, second best ... the first being, of course, "The Wonderful Something of You."

This site is drowning in catchphrases. If it is ever late and your people are over, of course you've got some "folks on top of final dusk." That is exactly what you have. If there's a better nickname for Mark Wahlberg than Marky Mark Mean Mug, I sure can't think of it. And I love how the dude looks "cast mouldy" every now in a while. Of course he does. He's watching Marky Mark Mean Mug with his folks on top of final dusk, of course he's going to look a little cast mouldy.

And as everyone knows, there is nothing like a DDDDeeeeeelllliiiicccciiiiiioooouuussssss confused hooch! That is clearly the best thing to say when someone is confused.

I don't know what the Evil Eye blog's secret is, but I really want to hire their translation robots to write a book for us.

Update: I just reread this and realized that the Marky Mark post reads a lot like slam poetry. So I decided to record the slam poetry version for your listening pleasure:

DDDDeeeeeelllliiiicccciiiiiioooouuussssss Confused Hooch

So I click on the link, and I'm taken to a site called "Evil Eye: Un blog utilisant Le Blogue du Québec". I'm not going to link to it because it's probably filled with nasty electronic beasties that like throw porn at your computer when your mom's trying to look at pictures from your trip to Cabo or whatever. But it clearly is not a real site that's actually maintained by someone, because everything in my review has been translated into some kind of space English. And then I realized that yesterday I talked about the Evil Eye vagina in Lord of the Rings, and so this site must be some kind of aggregator that takes everything that mentions the term evil eye and posts it in mangled English for French speakers (?) Because, like, progress.

But anyway that realization led me to think that if I repost the mangled version of my review from their site, they will in turn post my repost in an even more mangled version. And eventually, after a million years of posting and reposting the same review, we might accidentally write the Bible or something. So after the jump, you will find the mangled version of my review in its entirety. I will let you know tomorrow how it goes!

Awkward Book Review: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Awkward Press

One would shelter that a geezer who has been a founding associate of two publishing companies would purposes besprinkle out a mount of set reading novels. One would be full of hot air. I don’t interpret that much. I ungenerous, I am cash-drawer the destruction of set in the middle of a to of kilter, but it’s especially a euphonious unhurriedly, exacting take up, and the books that in effect suck me in are together and within a mile of between.

That being said, with it that we exhibit this euphonious fresh website, I call to mind a consider it’s purposes a euphonious pert conception to hear and pre-eminent up it with something. It’s irritating to me that Goodreads doesn’t exhibit an MO to to territory the date read column at an end divers months.

And what cured luggage after a publishing house’s website than to of kilter reviews? Answer: no cured. There is no cured luggage. The editor’s note on the behindhand described it as an international hit. I like oecumenical sensations, and books are without like magical sweets at the BEA, so I contemplation I’d collapse it a run the blow the whistle on.

I picked up a ape of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo at BEA refer to up year, the mammoth annual publishing merchandise blow the whistle on.

Then I interpret that it was the author’s gold medal to of kilter and he died accurately after delivering the manuscript to his publisher. And every anybody knows that people who die are almost always the best of authors, so, duh. Only it wasn’t in effect disparaging, Blomqvist was intelligent mount up.

The information, in ephemeral: Mikael Blomqvist, ruination of Swedish investigative gossip arsenal Millennium, is sentenced to can after publication a disparaging article to some high-powered directorship Beau Brummell named Wennerstrom. Apparently in Sweden you can reach when you be deprived of to can, ’cause Blomqvist dorks hither after a together months after the pilot, getting Byzantine with another high-powered directorship named Henrik Vanger.

Henrik tells Blomqvist he’ll bas-relief him up Wennerstrom down if he can calculate to what happened to his niece Harriet, who has been missing after 30 years. Lisbeth is a wormsy goth schoolgirl who is leader to distinguish to anything to anybody.

Meanwhile, behindhand in Stockholm, Lisbeth Salander is slaving away as a researcher after a restricted exploration unmovable. She was a troubled kid, and every anybody cash-drawer the destruction of set bogus she was retarded - like, in fact retarded - until she met the noggin of the restricted custodianship unmovable who discovered that she was a encrypted adept.

So Blomqvist works on the Vanger archetype and goes to can after awhile and then in the absolute analysis he meets Salander and they on the dole together and then some in effect combative shit happens and then all the mysteries are solved and every anybody euphonious much gets what he or she deserves.

Here’s my most important doubtful with the to of kilter.

The destruction. MAN did it homelessness to be chopped down. I believe when someone dies it means you’re no longer allowed to predictable his on the dole, because I tried and true can’t after the elasticity of me call to mind a consider of another common head to put forth in someone draggle on as prolonged as this Larsson companion draggles. Instead, on Monday he took the bus into Hedestad and knocked out the afternoon walking in the community, visiting the library, and drinking coffee in a bakery. Here’s a run-of-the-mill unreservedly impracticable paragraph that I intelligent build on the gold medal side I opened to:

By the set Berger fist Hedeby [the community where Blomqvist lives after much of the book] on Sunday, Blomqvist was quiescent so annoyed with Vanger that he did not homelessness to gamble meeting into either him or any other associate of his coterie. In the evening he went to the cinema to over The Lord of the Rings, which he had on no account to put forth hypothesis had set to over.

He contemplation that orcs, to human being beings, were elementary and uncomplicated creatures. He made coffee, took to a binder, and sat at the kitchenette tabulation.

He ended his misstep at McDonald’s in Hedestad and caught the refer to up bus to Hedeby. He interpret until 4:00 in the morning.
I ungenerous, accurately? Spoiler watchful: orcs do not by any chance calculate into the determine again. Now, if the to of kilter were to a legal ourselves who was in meaning of event working on a legal archetype, perchance I’d exhibit a cured magnanimity after the amount of meaning.

Easily half of the to of kilter is composed of fully unessential fuss at an end repartee like this. But this is a trump up ourselves, and no, he did not put forth to his binder and temporize at a kitchenette tabulation and interpret because he did not by any chance in effect bar alive. I don’t homelessness to interpret to a ourselves reading.

And okay, I exclusive byword Lord of the Rings now, but I tried and true don’t recall orcs being the driving anecdotal wrest behind that flick.

Here is my edited rendition of this paragraph:

Berger was annoyed at Vangar so he went to Hedestad where he contemplation to how distressing orcs are and then he came behindhand and dicked hither MO too fashionable.

If he walked away ratiocinative that the calamity lustfulness in the excessively looked like a vagina, that capacity exhibit been enchanting, because it fully did and also Lord of the Rings is more homoerotic than Brokeback Mountain. Orcs? Not so much. The characters were together and believable and the inscrutableness at the center of the fresh came to a slightly-ludicrous-but-otherwise-intriguing conclusion.

But above that, the information was enchanting and I in meaning of event managed to scourge entirely all 500 pages in less than three weeks, which is like meeting a to of kilter marathon after me.

If they by any chance chop the greatest extent down to 250 pages, it capacity be a 6 pizza take up, but as it stands, I collapse it:

3 pizzas to of a conceivable fascinating 6.

Oh and yes, here at Awkward, we be luminary of things on the gradation of pizzas which I intelligent made up.