Awkward Press

I know you. You’re like, “wait, what? You disappear for weeks at a time and now you’re posting to tell us about Bronson Pinchot? What kind of a half-assed publishing company is this?” The answer is: a half-assed one. A thoroughly half-assed half-assed publishing company. With lots of books that still need to be purchased.

As I have said in multiple weepy apology posts, I am fully immersed in the world of green jobs right now and am falling behind in my Awkward duties. You would think Awkward was publishing this green jobs book, the way I talk about it. But no, this one is strickly 4 tha school kidz.

Anyhoo, the reason why I’m breaking my radio silence is because The Onion just did an interview with Bronson Pinchot that makes me love Bronson Pinchot forever. Here’s what he says about Tom Cruise:

He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, “You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?” I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, “It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.” Very, very strange.

Ha! I love that Tom Cruise would say, “It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.” I’m totally going to start using that. I have to go to the bank in a minute, and I think when the teller asks me how much I want to take out, I’m going to say, “I’d like $60, as long as no gay people are getting $60.”

This is awesome, too:

AVC: Eddie Murphy reportedly said after Coming To America that John Landis had a better chance of working with Vic Morrow again than with him. Was there tension between the two?

Vic Morrow is the guy who was killed in a helicopter crash during the segment John Landis directed for Twilight Zone: The Movie. Ha! You still got it, Eddie!

(Via HuffPo.)

Oh my gosh. John Hughes died.

Clearly, not as much as this guy.

This guy loves chives so much, he wrote his love in the sidewalk so future generations would know how good chives are. That is going the extra mile.

I like to think that the goat-man face next to the proclamation is a self-portrait. Somewhere in Los Angeles roams the lonely goat-man, just looking for enough chives to get him through the day.

Wow. Not only has the best title already been written, but apparently the best t-shirt has already been designed, too:

Could 2009 be the year that all forms of everything attain perfection? What’s next? Could this year see the creation of the best pet name, the best mime routine, the best excuse for staring at boobs? I’ll keep you in the loop!

I bought a t-shirt at the Goodwill once upon which someone had ironed the words “I’m sorry your cat died,” with the exact same letters and t-shirt as this guy’s shirt. It sat in my drawer for about 5 years. I never found occasion to wear it, and I eventually sold it to a resale shop for a lot more money than it was worth, along with a shirt I had made that said “Penis Pasta.” People will wear anything on their chests.

(T-shirt image stolen from Videogum.)

Okay, okay, you love David Sedaris. Enough already. Yes, he’s a funny writer and storyteller. So was Hitler. (Slam! It’s my Internet now, bitches!)

We can all agree that This American Life is something we wouldn’t mind backlash-hating but can’t because it’s just too good. We can all agree on this. We can also all, somewhat less enthusiastically, agree that David Sedaris is a funny fellow who deserves his success. I mean, if you’re going to rank people who deserve to be successful on account of talent, drive, and (at least feigned) humility, he would be pretty close to the top. (Most deserving of success and all-time 100% backlash-proof: fellow TAL contributor John Hodgman. Least deserving of success: John Rzeznik, lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls. It’s scientifically proven. (FYI: Did you know that Goo Goo Dolls have had 7 top 40 hits? Challenge: sing one of them.))

But for my money, the best TAL life contributor award goes to Jon Ronson. The piece he does about the guy in the insane asylum for this week’s episode is a classic. You must also hear the piece he did about his high school reunion. And then go to his website and listen to everything else he’s ever done. And then call me and say, “you’re right, he’s the best. I will never speak of David Sedaris again, even though he’s actually pretty good, too.”

And when you’re all done with that, listen to Kaspar Hauser’s hilarious TAL parodies and be happy that the Internet is such a magical wonderland of nonstop entertainment.