Awkward Press

Independent publishers of imaginative fiction and daily meditations on the ridiculousness of the universe.

Archive for ‘How-to’

How to Clip Your Fingernails

August 22, 2012 By: Category: How-to

(Note: In the ongoing attempt to find ways of monetizing Awkward Press, we’ve decided to change business models from fiction publishing to content farming. From here on out, this site will focus on informative articles that will result in high rankings on search engines and lead to increased ad revenue.

Many thanks to our first sponsor, Dick Pasta. If you’re interested in advertising on, please contact us with your name, number, and a list of topics you would like us to write about in relation to your product. If you would like us to review your product, please include any “no-nos” and/or specific language you would like us to work into our unbiased analysis.

Tools needed:
- fingernail clippers
- nail catching device (garbage can, ashtray, empty pudding cup)

1) Get alive. Upon birth, most humans are automatically preconfigured with a hard, keratin-based protective shell that covers the ends of their 7-10 fingers (known as fingernails) and 8-19 toes (toenails). (Please note: this primer will not focus on the toenails, as our sponsor Dick Pasta found the subject of toenails icky and not in-keeping with the fun, party-friendly nature of their erotic line of pasta products.) (more…)

How to Fix Menus Hidden by iFrame Video

June 16, 2011 By: Category: How-to

Although it has nothing to do with fiction or publishing or any of the other things we like to talk about on this here site, I have made a pledge that when I have a niggling computer problem that takes me a long time to answer, I will do my part to spread the solution out into the world. I had just such a problem this morning, when I realized those menus at the top of the screen were being hidden by an embedded YouTube video. Here, then, is the solution!

1. If the video URL has no extra parameters attached (i.e. ‘iframe

Add the code “?wmode=transparent” at the end of the URL. As in:

<iframe width=”500″ height=”314″ src=”
embed/2UFc1pr2yUU?wmode=transparent” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>

2. If the video URL has extra parameters attached (i.e. ‘iframe

Add the code “&wmode=transparent” at the end of the URL. As in:

<iframe width=”500″ height=”314″ src=”
embed/2UFc1pr2yUU&hd=1&wmode=transparent” frameborder=”0″

Done! Problem solved! And if this means nothing to you, please just ignore it!

(Thanks to Jen Kaufman Designs!)

The Most Amazing Question on Yahoo Answers Ever

October 13, 2010 By: Category: How-to

I was just doing some research for a thing I’m writing in which I wanted to find out if you could legitimately cut through a pair of police handcuffs. So I Googled “how to cut through handcuffs,” and this is what came up:

I’m in deep trouble!!! I’m in handcuffs, have no key, and can’t go to the cops!! What can I do???

I was at a party tonight. There were somethings going on. I didn’t do anything illegal, but I’d say over half the people there did.

Well they had some crazy games going on. I didn’t play some of them because they wouldn’t apply to me (if you know what I mean)

But there was this one game that was going on for three hours, and it was only $5 to play. You are handcuffed in front of you (not behind your back). The cuffs are double locked so they won’t tighten, and it makes it pretty much impossible to pick.

There are two keys. One is kept behind, while the other is thrown somewhere across the basement. The goal is to find the key and free yourself. You have five minutes to find the key. If you find it, you get your $5 back plus another $5. But if you lose, you are freed (using the other key) to put on an orange prison uniform, then you are handcuffed behind your back for 1 hour.

Only one person didn’t find it, and like seven did, so I figured I would try. So they handcuffed me, double locked it, and threw the key. About a minute into it, someone yelled COPS! Everyone ran. I was kinda slow due to the lack of arm movement. I got outside and ran down the street with some people. I asked if they knew where the guy with the key was. They said he took off in his car; he’s long gone. So here I am still stuck in handcuffs that are impossible to pick. I definitely cannot go to the cops. My parents think I’m spedning the night at a friends, so I can’t be too loud. What do I do!!??
3 years ago
Additional Details
btw this took me like 30 mins to write cause its hard writing in cuffs.

But I wanted to make things clear so I don’t get bad answers or another question as an answer

3 years ago

I really hope this guy didn’t have to wait 3 years to get his answer.

Awkward How-To: Extract Audio from a .mov File

October 07, 2010 By: Category: How-to

Every other day, it seems like I’m wasting hours of time trying to figure out how to do something that should be relatively simple. This morning, I recorded a podcast over Skype with our good friend Mike Segretto of Psychobabble fame. Awhile back, I downloaded a Skype recorder because I was doing a lot of interviews, so I Skyped over to Segretto, pressed record on the thing, and voila, conversation recorded.

Problem is, the conversation was recorded as video. A .mov file, to be exact. After we were done talking, I imported the file into Audacity, a great free sound-editing tool. I plugged my headphones in to start editing it, and a horrible piercing squeal shot through my brain. I know my voice sounds weird when it’s recorded, but I had a feeling something had gone horribly awry.

After 2 hours of poking around, I finally found the simple solution, which I am going to share with you now, in the hopes that others who are having the same extremely specific and probably totally uncommon problem will stumble upon this post and save themselves from the seven levels of message board hell that I just had to wade through.

How to Extract Audio from .Mov Files Using iMovie ’09

1. Go to File->Import->Movies
2. Locate your .mov file and import it.
3. Drag this clip to your project window.
4. Go to Share->Export using Quicktime
5. In the “Export” box, choose “Sound to Wave”
6. You can now import the file into iTunes or Audacity or Garageband or whatever it is you use.