Awkward Press

Independent publishers of imaginative fiction and daily meditations on the ridiculousness of the universe.

Archive for ‘News’

Mitt Romney: Really Great at Using His Checkbook

August 28, 2012 By: Category: News, Opinions, Politics


Over the weekend, The LA Times published a piece that was intended to showcase the side of Mitt Romney that doesn’t come across in his robotic delivery, his stiff appearance, and his poorly defined stance on issues of political concern. We’re in trouble from the subtitle:

Friends see a warm, charitable man with a sense of duty rooted in his Mormon faith.

So right off the bat, we know this article is going to offer us no information of value. “Mitt Romney’s friends like him.” I don’t think there’s been a lot of debate in the public forum about whether or not Mitt Romney is cool with his pals. I would like to see the presidential candidate whose friends told the press, “That guy’s a total prick.”

The opening story is a doozy. (more…)


July 28, 2011 By: Category: News

From the Huffington Post:

That is exactly what I would expect the most anticipated new movie at the Venice film festival to look like.

This Kinda Says It All

April 05, 2011 By: Category: News

From Salon:

Liberty University, the evangelical private Christian school founded by dead apartheid-supporting bigot Jerry Falwell, received $445 million in federal financial aid money last year. The Corporation for Public Broadcasting, by the way, received $420 million from the federal government.

I hope this will send a clear message to NPR and PBS that they need to drop the radical programming and get with the American agenda. Sayonara, Car Talk and Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me. Hello, Objectivist Dance Party.

Charlie Sheen: Local Boy Makes Good

April 03, 2011 By: Category: News

So, Charlie Sheen is on a spoken word tour. Good for him! He clearly deserves it. The show debuted in Detroit last night and apparently it was not entertaining.

Charlie Sheen was heckled, booed and eventually abandoned by the crowd at his inaugural stage show, with many of the audience members chanting “refund” and heading for the exits even before the show abruptly ended.

Okay, that’s not surprising. Even the most magical warlock in the universe could not put together an entertaining one-man show all by himself in 2 weeks. Professional comedians take years to develop a good hours’ worth of material. 99% of all comedy films suck. It is not in the slightest bit surprising that a fairly talentless drug addict who has never demonstrated any creative abilities beyond playing himself on a shitty sitcom would put on an uninteresting show.

But what is surprising is the audience seemed to think Charlie Sheen actually does have magical powers. To wit:

Linda Fugate, who paid $150 for two seats, left the theater and walked up the street, yelling, “I want my money back!”

“I was hoping for something. I didn’t think it would be this bad,” said Fugate, a 47-year-old from Lincoln Park, Mich.

If you have enough disposable income to pay $75 per ticket to see Charlie Sheen rant just because you were “hoping for something,” then you deserve anything you get.

I’ll tell you what the scarier thing is about this phenomenon, though … is that there are people in this world (at least 5,100 in Detroit, the capacity of the Fox … this in a city that just reported a 25% drop in its population) who are unable to distinguish reality from entertainment. People watch the Charlie Sheen show on the news and Entertainment Tonight and on the cover of People and they think of it in the same terms as they would think of an actual, scripted piece of entertainment. It is only a matter of time before we see a tour of the Libya show, complete with live atrocities. Only no one will buy tickets to that one, because no one really cares about Libya.

Brand New Serialized Novel Happening Right Now

February 28, 2011 By: Category: News

Just wanted to alert everyone that I have started a serialized novel over at my Story of the Day site. So if you’ve been craving a new Jeffrey Dinsmore / Rory Carmichael novel for the past eight years, congratulations! Your craves have been answered.

You can check out part 1 right here and part 2 right here. Warning: it’s pretty much the best new thing.

Hooray! Two Suns!

January 21, 2011 By: Category: News

I always knew Beetlejuice was bad news!

Earth could be getting a second sun, at least temporarily.

Dr. Brad Carter, Senior Lecturer of Physics at the University of Southern Queensland, outlined the scenario to Betelgeuse, one of the night sky’s brightest stars, is losing mass, indicating it is collapsing. It could run out of fuel and go super-nova at any time.

When that happens, for at least a few weeks, we’d see a second sun, Carter says. There may also be no night during that timeframe.

The Star Wars-esque scenario could happen by 2012, Carter says… or it could take longer. The explosion could also cause a neutron star or result in the formation of a black hole 1300 light years from Earth, reports

Really? Two suns? No night sky? I mean … pardon? Is there another planet I can transfer to? Because this one is really starting to SUCK.

Great Jon Lovitz Interview

January 03, 2011 By: Category: News

Great interview with Jon Lovitz in the AV Club. He’s friends with Madonna! Who knew? The best part is when they ask him about the movie Trapped In Paradise, a film where Jon, Dana Carvey, and Nicolas Cage are stuck in like Alaska or something. I never saw it. I remember the poster. it looks like the poster for Grumpy Old Men, only with three men instead of two.

JL: [Pauses.] Well, I feel like I’m very fortunate to be in movies at all, but I called it Trapped In Shit. I love Dana, and Nicolas Cage was great and we became friends, but the director [George Gallo] just wasn’t there. He wasn’t directing. It was a bad time in my life personally, because my father had just died Dec. 25. And I’m up in the snow with no light—we did night shoots for six weeks. It was like 25-below. Everyone was fine, but after six weeks, the whole crew started going crazy ’cause there’s no light. It really affects your mood. Then we moved to Toronto, so we’re shooting inside. It wasn’t fancy, but inside during the day, this was a luxury. It was like 31 degrees, but it felt like summer. So as soon as I worked during the daylight, my mood changed.

But the director would say, “Just do whatever you want.” He was bragging about what a great director he was before he hired us: “I’m as good as Rob Reiner and Martin Scorsese.” This is George Gallo. I said, “Don’t you think you should let other people say that?” We never even got to read the script. He’d go, “Well, let’s rehearse this.” I’d go, “Oh good, we get to rehearse.” And he’d start screaming at me, “Do whatever you want!” And I go, “Saying ‘do whatever you want’ is not direction.”

Six weeks in, Dana and Nicolas took over. We were doing this scene where we had to take these trash bags out from the trunk of a car and change clothes, and it was complicated. Nicolas was like, “What do you want?” And George goes, “Do whatever you want.” Nicolas said, “No!” Nicolas ended up basically directing that scene, because we had to choreograph it. It’s too much stuff in action; you can’t just do whatever you want. You have to shoot a master, then you shoot coverage—you have to match everything. You have to plan it out. It’s absurd.

And the movie did horrible, but people like it. I’ve done a lot of movies where I thought, “This will be fun” and it’s a disaster but then people like it. So you never know. But what made me angry was the director started blaming us and said I didn’t know my lines, which was complete bullshit. I was on the set and I asked him, “Is this the scene where…?” Because when you’re doing a movie, they shoot out of sequence. So we’re shooting in the middle of this empty field and there’s nothing. I asked the director, “Is this the part of the scene after we steal a Lexus and it goes over the cliff, and we’ve climbed up the hill, and it’s starting there?” He goes, “I don’t know! I don’t have time for these questions! You have to know the script!” He was right—I should have known it better, and I hadn’t looked at it enough—but it turns out the answer to my question is “yes.” So I knew it enough. And he wrote the thing! It was like, “You don’t know where we’re starting the scene from?” I mean, he didn’t know anything.

I don’t care, I’ll tell everybody: He wouldn’t even come out of his tent. It was freezing cold, we’re out there shooting this scene and there’s a problem on the set, and he’s 50 yards away in his tent. We go, “George, what do we do? There’s a problem.” And he goes, “I’m looking at fucking Jupiter.” It was ridiculous.

Ha! “I’m looking at fucking Jupiter” is the second best quote of the decade, right after Bronson Pinchot’s quote from Tom Cruise in another A.V. Club interview:

He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, “You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?” I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, “It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.” Very, very strange.

Temporarily Hiatusing

November 19, 2010 By: Category: News

Hi people! Just wanted to let you know that Awkward Press is on temporary hiatus while my wife and I are waiting around for our baby girl to be born. We have a few exciting pieces of Awkward news on the way, the kind of news that will make you want to invest in your own copy of Awkward Two immediately. Because BIG things are happening in Awkward world, and pretty soon, that little copy of Awkward Two is going to be the most valuable thing you own. I mean, because we’re all going to be famous and that little book will be worth a lot of money, not because our corporate overlords have decided ordinary Americans may no longer own expensive things. Although that’s true also.

But what’s with all this doomsday talk? I’ve got a baby on the way! Time to put on my optimist hat! And I promise we’ll be back with A) news, B) movie challenges, and C) Faith Projects to tickle and delight your senses soon!

And here’s a sweet video by Hot Chip that I just discovered while buying shoes.

The Greatest TV/Book Tie-In Since The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer

October 27, 2010 By: Category: News

Haaaa … it’s real! First of all, Sterling’s Gold: Wit and Wisdom of an Ad Man is the best fake book name of all time. Second of all, they shouldn’t have put that band around it: those who get it, will get it. Third of all, awesome.

(Via Boingboing.)

My Conan Promo Is Live!

August 30, 2010 By: Category: News, TV

Over the two years that Awkward Press has been in existence, I’ve written a lot of posts about all the awesome things my partners Clay and Kyle have been doing. Because they do truly awesome things, like getting a story in Akashic’s Richmond Noir collection and releasing classic rock n’ roll records. Well, I’m proud to report that I finally have some bragging of my own to do. About a month ago, a company I work with in LA called Roger was tapped to do some promos for the new Conan O’ Brien show on TBS. I wrote up a bunch of ideas, and one of them got picked. Within days, the crazy-talented guys at Roger had whipped up a sample video. They asked me to come in and do the voiceover, thinking they’d be asked to put together a more complete version with real actors later.

A week goes by, and the TBS people call them up to say, “Hey! We love it! Thanks!” The Roger guys (none of whom are named Roger, BTW) ask them when they’d like the final version, and TBS says, “This is it! We’re done!” So airing on TBS right now is a promo for Conan O’ Brien that I wrote and narrated. I feel like a high school girl in Passaic who just got asked to prom by the orangest juicehead in New Jersey!

The sound is a little tough to decipher since we did it with a USB mic in iMovie (!), but there you go! Modern advertising at it’s best. Check it out after the break! (more…)