Awkward Press

Independent publishers of imaginative fiction and daily meditations on the ridiculousness of the universe.
Subscribe

Archive for ‘News’

The BP Boycott Starts Here

June 04, 2010 By: Category: Greatest Hits, News

I am just a poor boy, though my story's seldom told.

I don’t drive much. I have nothing against driving. I am just lucky enough to live within walking distance of my office. So there is no reason for me to drive most days.

But nonetheless, we live in Los Angeles, so we have 2 cars. One Honda Civic that sees a fair amount of road time, and one Ford Focus that sits unused 300 days a year. It’s kinda like having a spare bedroom for the 1 week a year when your parents visit. Ever so often, I’ll have to drive somewhere to meet Sarah or run some errands on my own. But really, I could accomplish pretty much 95% of the things I need to do with a bike and a tiny bit of motivation.

Today was one of those days that I needed the car and the car needed gas. This only happens about once every two months, on account of how seldom I drive. I had one rule when it came to getting the gas: do not buy from BP. There’s a reason for this, and it has to do with the news. Have you heard about the news? It’s an information-distribution system whereby you can learn about things that are happening in the world. Sort of like a sitcom, but real. If you have heard of the news and you watch or read the news, then you probably know that there’s some kind of oil disaster happening right now. And BP is the company responsible for this oil disaster.

Now, let’s get one thing straight: all oil companies are evil. Oil is evil. It’s what they call a “necessary evil,” because no one has taken the time to establish an alternative system to extracting it from the ground and using it to power things. These alternatives do exist and could, with relative ease, be implemented to make the use of oil less necessary — “relative ease” in terms of, say, “wiring the entire country for electricity,” mind you, not relative ease in terms of choosing between butter and margarine at the grocery store (team butter, holla!) — but as of this writing, plans to implement these alternatives have gotten about as far as the nacho delivery service dreams of a hungry stoner. We’ve known for quite some time that oil is evil and dangerous … decades, even … but we have still not put much effort into fixing the system for reasons that are unclear to me but probably have something to do with Americans’ innate distrust of things that are natural and people who remind them of hippies. (more…)

R.I.P. Dennis Hopper

May 29, 2010 By: Category: News

Normally I don’t pay much attention to celebrity deaths, but since I mentioned Gary Coleman’s death yesterday I’d feel remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to Dennis Hopper. So long, Mr. Booth. I will drink a a PBR in your honor.

I'm coming St. Peter, you fuckers fuck!

R.I.P. Gary Coleman

May 28, 2010 By: Category: News

Man. You gotta feel for Gary Coleman. Dude had one shitty life, and now he’s dead. Hope things are cooler for you up in Heaven then they were down here on earth, little buddy.

Newspaper Follies

March 09, 2010 By: Category: News

Just getting around to posting these tidbits from Friday’s LA Times because I was in Las Vegas all weekend and I didn’t take my computer with me. I was afraid it would get in the way of my gambling and whore mongering. Just kidding, it probably would have been very helpful with my gambling and whore mongering. But so here was the cover of the LA Times on Friday:

Right, it was an ad. An ad masquerading as the front page of a newspaper. Which, okay, whatever, newspapers are broke. Fine, make every page an ad. I can’t tell you the last time I read insightful reporting in the LA Times, anyway. I wish the ad in question didn’t feature that awful picture of Johnny Depp, because there are few things more disturbing to me than his hair and makeup choices as the Mad Hatter. I don’t like to look at it one bit, particularly when I’m drinking my morning coffee and on my way to Vegas to gamble and whore monger.

But that isn’t what really bothered me about the whole affair. What really bothered me is this. Enhance.

What? Who’s taking the reins on health care, now?

So that no one would confuse it with actual news, the editors of the LA Times removed every word that people might have accidentally confused with information. They couldn’t even be bothered to replace the copy with something entertaining. They just took out the nouns and said, “to Hell with it.” I’m fine with covering the front page of a newspaper with advertising. What I’m not fine with is doing so lazily. The ultimate irony is that no one blinked an eye about the fake articles being completely unreadable, because no one actually reads the newspaper. Front page fail. (more…)

Seth MacFarlane Schools Sarah Palin

February 19, 2010 By: Category: News, Videos

I am not a Family Guy fan. Truthfully, I have not seen many episodes. But every time I watch it, I feel like most of the jokes are not really jokes, they are just references. I.E.:

Peter: I haven't felt this bad since we took acid and went to see Shields and Yarnell!
Flashback to Shields and Yarnell show. Shields and Yarnell perform their famous robot couple routine on stage. Peter and Lois stand up in the audience and begin removing their clothes.
Peter: It's people! Soylent Green is people!
Lois (screaming): You're no Mummenschanz!

But that being said … WELL PLAYED, SETH MACFARLANE.

Bonus videos: Please put your hands together for … Shields and Yarnell and Mummenschanz!

What a Day for Celebrity News!

February 11, 2010 By: Category: News

Oh my gosh! Alexander McQueen committed suicide!

Fashion designer Alexander McQueen has taken his own life at age 40. His office confirmed his death, saying: ‘It is a tragic loss. We are not making a comment at this time out of respect for the McQueen family.’ He was found at his home in London.

Full disclosure: I’m not really sure who Alexander McQueen is.

But then! I totally know who this guy is!

Alec Baldwin, a star of NBC’s “30 Rock,” was examined Thursday at a hospital after his daughter called 911 saying he had threatened to take pills after they argued, a law enforcement official said.

Baldwin’s daughter called 911 at around 12:10 a.m. from his Central Park West apartment, according to the official, who spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity because the person wasn’t authorized to speak publicly.

What the hell is going on with Alec Baldwin and his daughter? Man. That guy is totally the crying-on-the-inside type.

But who really cares about any of that stuff? Because now we know that dinosaurs really looked like this:

Awwwwwesommmmme!!!

New Season of Lost: No Spoilers

February 03, 2010 By: Category: News, TV

So. New episode of Lost last night, right? I have not been waiting as long as most of you people because I just finished the first 5 seasons about 2 months ago. It was a long, hard slog. I had never seen an episode before last year. I’m glad I did it, though, because last night I got to watch the writers fumbling around to make sense of their bloated monstrosity of a series in REAL TIME.

Just kidding. It’s not a bloated monstrosity. It’s fun and smart and everything good about TV, and also sometimes silly and totally convoluted. And I do believe that the writers know exactly where they’re taking us. I am just getting somewhat impatient at having to wait. But such is life. Sometimes we just have to wait.

Last night’s episode was okay. I mean, at this point, there’s really no such thing as good or bad. It will be bad if the series ends badly, and it will be good if the series ends goodly. But the point is, about twenty minutes before the end, this comes up on the screen:

Hmm. I can’t quite read that. ENHANCE.

Finally! Thanks for keeping on top of it, Eyewitness News!

Swine Flu Party in the USA

October 12, 2009 By: Category: News

I was just doing some research for an article I was writing about the swine flu, and I came across an article with this solid advice:

Other things to do to stay healthy during the flu season is to avoid swine flu parties, avoid physical contact with people known or suspected to be sick.

So when you get that evite that says, “Come to my swine flu party! I promise you won’t get swine flu!” DON’T GO. I mean, respond with a “maybe” so as not to hurt your friend’s feelings. No reason to be a dick about it.

Tags:

Jim Carroll R.I.P.

September 14, 2009 By: Category: News

Dear Mr. Jim Carroll:

I am sorry to hear that you died. If it weren’t for The Basketball Diaries, I might have quit the basketball team and gotten addicted to heroin and lived through a bunch of bad stuff and then written a bestselling novel about it and had Leonardo DiCaprio portray me in a movie. But I read your book and realized that wasn’t cool so I never did it. Also I can’t play basketball.

Lest I come across as flippant, let me just say you were a great writer and poet and you will be missed. In your honor:

Breaking News from the “It’s Not Just a Clever Name” Department

August 14, 2009 By: Category: News

Headline on HuffPo:

Rapper C-Murder Gets Life Sentence For Murder

Tags: