Awkward Press

I mean, c’mon. 18 months paid paternity leave. 25 work days minimum vacation. 2 weeks worth of public holidays. Universal health insurance. What else? Oh, maybe just a population full of the healthiest, happiest, and most attractive people in the entire world and PURE DOMINANCE of the pop hook! At what point do we admit that they’ve just got it figured out?

Okay, they’re more homogeneous than we are. They have way higher taxes. What else? It’s cold? I mean, you know that money doesn’t make people happy, right? Plenty of happy people who aren’t rich, plenty of miserable people who are. Some brain devil tells us that we would be different. Maybe other people are unhappy being rich, but I would not be. Well, I declare hooey! You would be just as sad and lonely as you are now. The only way money could ever make you happy is if it could buy you a machine that would let you travel back in time and murder your parents before they fucked you up.

The alternative to that kind of machine is a high quality of life. And all those things would go on my quality of life wish list. If it means I’ve gotta pay a little extra for it, so be it. I already give 60% of my income away to charity* ; why not just donate it to building a better society?

* I totally don’t give 60% of my income away to charity.

So, American Apparel is going out of business, or whatever. Okay! It happens. Clothing stores come and go, and we all know Dov Charney likes to beat-off in front of his staff, so good riddance to that guy. But here’s what I’m confused about: the media perception of what American Apparel is. I can’t tell you how many articles I’ve read that talk about American Apparel as if its clothes are some kind of crazy-trendy design, like Hypercolor or something. Like, from Salon today:

Ultimately, if [American Apparel] and Abercrombie sink, it will less likely be the fault of dubious business practices and “improper management” (although they sure don’t help) than the same thing that affects everybody in the world fashion – plain old changing tastes. There will always be young beautiful people who can get away with ugly tank tops, but frankly any company that’s in the “polyester high waist pleated pant” business has likely been on borrowed time from the get-go.

Am I confused about something? I thought the whole point of American Apparel was that its clothes are super basic and mix-and-match. They sell t-shirts and tank tops and zip-up hoodies in primary colors. Granted, they have chicks in giant, dumb-looking glasses in their ads and what not. I understand that their ads are hyper-stylized and trendy. But the clothing itself? It’s just, like, your most basic definition of clothes, right?

Also, for what it’s worth? I always thought their ads were pretty hot. Even the ones with chicks in giant, dumb-looking glasses. Don’t hate!

Let me start out by saying this story involves two people named Molly Sims and Heidi Montag. I don’t know who Molly Sims is. I know exactly who Heidi Montag is, but I would not think less of you if you had never heard of her. I may think more of you, in fact. If you’re one of those people who spends his/her time reading books and stuff, Heidi Montag is a person who was a jerk on a reality show and then had a bunch of plastic surgery. There was almost certainly a failed stab at music somewhere in there, although I can’t say that with 100% certainty, although of course I can say that with 100% certainty.

Let me be perfectly clear: if Heidi Montag & Molly Sims hang glided into a mountain it would not affect my life in the slightest. I don’t care about either of them, except for in that vague way where you’re supposed to think people should live or whatever. But what I do care about is when people pretend they are not assholes by being even bigger assholes. That is the crime I have come here today to rectify. According to The Huffington Post, Molly Sims had some “harsh words” for Heidi Montag in an interview with Health Magazine:

But Sims dished out some real talk for Montag, who once had ten plastic surgery procedures performed in one day. Sims remarked, “I think Heidi Montag is a really sick girl, something is off. You don’t get F-size boobs. And I’m not judging her. I feel sorry for her.”

First of all, Health magazine? Is that one of those tiny magazines in the grocery store checkout line? That doesn’t count as a real interview! Second of all, dear editors of Health: I know models look really skinny, but skinny is not the same as healthy. Third of all, dear Molly Sims: phrases like “something is off” and “a really sick girl” count as judgments. Also, Molly Sims, there is possibly nothing more disingenuous then the combined sentences, “I am not judging you. I feel sorry for you.” I am not judging you at all. I feel sorry for you that you do not know you sound like an asshole.

When Jeffrey asked me to come up with some sort of “Best of 2009” list for Awkward, I told him, “Listen, Hot Lips: I’m an old, crotchety douche bag who lives solely in the past… and not even my past! I’m talking about the past of some stinky old hippie who got beaten with pool cues at Altamont! I haven’t seen ten movies in 2009 worthy of recommendation. I read maybe three books that were published this year, only one of which didn’t give me the dry heaves. Albums? Do they even make those anymore? Yes, Jeffrey, I recommend you take your ‘Best of 2009’ project and stuff it into your tear ducts, because I bet that would hurt like a mother.”

When Jeffrey stopped sobbing, he said, “Pretty please.” Now, I’m not made of stone, so I told him I’d toss him a piece I was already posting on my own site: the award-winning* Psychobabble. He said, “Whatever.” So, here’s The Fifteen Best Old Albums That Were New to Me in 2009. Enjoy!

*Awards may be self-administered.

15. I’ve Got My Own Album to Do by Ron Wood (1974)

On the cusp of the collapse of The Faces and his recruitment into the Rolling Stones’ ranks, Ron Wood went into the studio with a few buddies and a few bottles and cut a characteristically sloppy solo record. Surprisingly, I’ve Got My Own Album to Do wound up being more than a bundle of drunken jams. “Am I Grooving You” may be a dumb lyric slapped onto a lazy guitar lick and “Crotch Music” may marry a dumb title with dated jazz-rock fusion, but there are a surprising number of quality songs on this record. Wood duets with future fuehrer Mick Jagger on “I Can Feel the Fire”, getting the record off to a rousing start (although it would turn into an even fierier item during live performances with The Faces), but the ballads may provide the most memorable moments of I’ve Got My Own Album to Do. “Far East Man”, co-written with George Harrison, is gorgeously reeling, and “Mystifies Me”, on which Wood goes pipe to ravaged pipe with Rod Stewart, is a lovely, ragged, countrified love song. Stewart also steps in to give a little boost to the Chuck Berry-esque rocker “Take a Look at the Guy” and mask Wood’s drunkenly tuneless delivery of “If You Gotta Make a Fool of Somebody”, but this remains Wood’s show all the way through. (more…)

According to an article on the Huffington Post, 1 in 4 teens has sent nude pictures via their cellphones. You know what I think about that? I think once again, we poor Gen Xers are left out in the cold. Our parents got the sexual revolution, and now our kids get sexting. What did we get? Two Live Crew and AIDs. Thanks a lot, universe!

Well, I’m not missing out this time around. I’m hopping on this sexting bandwagon. I’m going to start sending naked pictures of myself to everyone I know. And then they have to naked me back, right? Isn’t that how it works?