This made me sad. I worked hard on these books and I have a lot of affection for them. They are really, really funny. I've always wished they were still out there, lightening the world's mood in these dark days.

Well, now, with the magic of the eReader, I am pleased to say these books are finally available again. What's more, they're chock full of extra material for you to enjoy. What's even more more, they are only $.99 each!

Here's what your $1.98 will get you:

Johnny Astronaut by Rory Carmichael
(Buy it at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0061RKDV2)

• the complete text of the original sci-fi-hardboiled-disco-dancing adventure!
• over 70 pages of bonus musings from "author" Rory Carmichael himself!

I An Actress: The Autobiography of Karen Jamey
(Buy it at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005Z5F7BM)

• the unedited author's cut of the novel, including a never-before-seen chapter that was cut from the original pressing!
• a special essay from Karen Jamey on the James Frey memoir scandal!
• three short stories by Jeffrey Dinsmore, including cult faves "Faggy on the Streets" and "The Alcoholic Monkey Who Took Over My Mind and Turned Me Into a Cold-Blooded Killer!"

If I can sell enough of these books to make it into the top 100 in the Kindle store, I can get my work out in front of a whole new mess of people who don't know me. I'd really appreciate your support. All you have to do is follow the links and click the "buy" button, just as you would any other product on Amazon. You don't even need a Kindle to read it! You can download a free Kindle reader for your iDevices or Android phones. You can also download a free Kindle reader for your PC or Mac. You can even download the books and never read them! It's really up to you.

If you're still unsure of how this whole thing works, please watch the video below for more information.

The Press is sort of in a holding pattern right now, anyway ... our DVDs are going to finally be delivered on Wednesday, February 16th, and we're waiting for that to happen before engaging in the next big publicity push. Be sure to buy your copy of Awkward Two right now so you can get the book + DVD combo the day they're available!

The other big news is that the enhanced version of Awkward Two is now available for the Kindle app on your smart phone or other smart device. You can ... and should ... buy it right here.

Now, to the important part: Natalie Portman at age 12 as an adorable little Eco Warrior. Skip to 3:20 for the Portman action ... but don't skip the opening song, which is equally amazing.

World Patrol Kids from Eden Riegel on Vimeo.

"Outta my way! I got guns to buy and threats to make!"

Look, I know you're excited about our increased traffic at awkwardpress.com. That goes without saying. Every day, when you wake up, your first thought is ... "how's the traffic on Awkward Press today?" And then you check the site and I don't mention it and you leave discouraged and buy a gun and pledge to have your revenge. This literally happens to you EVERY DAY. You have stockpiled a lot of guns.

Well, good news! You don't have to buy a gun today, because here's the traffic report: traffic is awesome! We hit 2,950 visitors during the last month! 200 in the past day alone! If each one of those people bought a copy of Awkward Two -- an unbelievable steal for $10 plus $2 shipping and handling -- we might able to finally pay back the giant pile of debts we've accrued in starting this idiotic venture. Okay, so most of those people are clearly just stopping by to figure out the link between Adidas and soccer balls. But those people read too, right? Maybe the theme of the next issue should be "soccer balls."

Yesterday, I got an email from the legendary Runaways leader herself, telling me that I was totally wrong and that she worked her ass off on it and that I am basically a complete dick, although she said it in a much nicer way than that. Not only that, but Neon Angel was actually originally released in 1989, and the version coming out this year is just a revised version.

And she's totally right: it was a dick thing to say. I know nothing about Tony and Cherie's process, and it sounds like she really did work hard on it. Clearly, if it had already been released, it is not 100% Tony's handiwork. Also, please note that Tony himself had nothing to do with my comments ... he's a great guy who doesn't have a bad word to say about anyone, and as far as I know, he found the book to be a positive collaborative experience.

It's easy to make stupid comments on one's blog and assume that no one will ever see them, but I realize that it's not right to make fun of someone's hard work without knowing the facts behind the matter. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Currie for my unnecessarily rude statements. For the record, I love Cherie Currie's work, I love Tony O' Neill, and any collaboration between the two is bound to be an amazing read. You can buy Neon Angel right here. And check out Cherie's bio website and her artwork for more information about her many talents.

''''''''''''This is a single quotation mark.'''''''''''' "This is a double quotation mark."

Any php smarties out there?

Update: Nothing is actually happening to the double quotes, the apostrophes are being changed into double quotation marks. That is the real problem. Like so:

Mark said, "I love the part where Juliet''''''''''''''''s all ''''''''''''''''Wherefore art thou, Romeo?''''''''''''''''"

Update Update: Ack! More quotation marks are being added every time I edit the post! See that first quote up there? That started out as a single apostrophe before and after "This" and "mark".

Also note: nothing is happening in the regular post, it''''''''s only in the blockquotes.

Update Update Update: WRONG! It''s happening everywhere! Haaaaaalp!

Update Update Update Update: Je l'ai! It's fixed! No one wins the book. (FYI: No one really tried to win the book.)

Awkward One: Now only $7!

Consider this your sign, friends.

For a limited holiday time only, we've reduced the price on Awkward One to $7! That's less than 9 cents per page for a fantastic and handsome collection of short stories that most of the editors' mothers agree is "readable!*" With prices this low, we should be in jail!

Awkward One is soft and bendy and compact and it adds a lovely dash of sophistication to a Christmas stocking or holiday candy sock. It is absolutely impossible to swallow and makes a wonderful teething tool for infants. Hell, rip it apart and use it as wrapping paper ... we don't care! At this price, you'll still save money!

*not an actual quote

Order your copy now! Now now now now now now now! No, wait ... okay, now!

Even if you have already picked up your copy, Lit Drift is a great book site run by wonderful human beings and you must check them out right now because your life depends on it. Seriously. Lit Drift or death. What's it gonna be?

If you enter the contest and are not picked, don't despair. You can still totally buy one here. We have, like, 3 or 4 copies left.

A "public option", good sir? At long last, have you no decency left?

Speaking of, how about this healthcare thing, huh? Crazy. I don't really care what kind of "package" we end up getting, just so long as the status quo is maintained. If there's one thing about our country that's great, it's how I have to spend two hours on the phone arguing with my insurance company every time I go to see a doctor. That's how the founding fathers would have wanted it. There's that great story in The People's History of America where Thomas Jefferson goes to the doctor and he's like, "what is this? You bleed me without asking for recompense, sir? Back to England with ye!" (Little known fact: Thomas Jefferson was part pirate.)

I haven't rapped at ya' about Awkward for awhile, but we are still very much alive and needing your support. Sales have been pretty slow since our party in New York, I think partly because I have stopped talking about it incessantly. If you have not bought a copy yet, I truly recommend doing so. Not just because I have a hilarious and mind-blowing story in the collection, but because it is a cover-to-cover masterpiece that children of all ages and mental abilities can enjoy. To that end:

1) We're in a store! Just one. The one store that I happen to walk past on my way to work every day. Skylight Books, the best independent bookstore in Los Angeles, now has 5 copies of Awkward One. If you live in L.A. and don't own a copy yet, please stop in and buy one so they will think we're popular! If you don't live in Los Angeles, buy it here! Now! Now now now!

2) We are going to start working on Awkward Two soon. Here's what we discovered: the theme of the first issue is "Awkward Occurrences." I mean, we didn't discover that, that was our idea. But we decided that because the first issue begins with "A"," the second needs to begin with "B." You see where this is headed. 26 issues, and then we're out. Or, if things are going well, then we begin again.

So the theme of the next issue is "Brevity," and we're toying around with the idea of taking submissions. Not just toying around with it, actively pursuing it. But not actively just yet. Sort of under-the-cover pursuing it. If you happen to check this blog and happen to be a writer and happen to want to submit something that's less than 1,000 words long, we'd love to take a look at it. Email submissions@awkwardpress.com. And please, PLEASE, whatever you do, don't send us bullshit. We hate reading bullshit. We want a story with a beginning, a middle, and an end. I don't care if you only have 1,000 words to work with. Make it count.

And if we read your story and reject it, please, PLEASE don't tell us we're idiots. These things happen. You're probably a lovely, wonderful writer. Trust me, I have been rejected more times than I care to count. Truthfully, I have never been accepted, which is why I started my own publishing company. And deep down inside, every time I was rejected I always thought, "those people are idiots! I am a genius and my story is the best." The truth is, none of us are idiots, we just all have very specific needs and sometimes your brilliant story just doesn't fit the vibe we're going for. My stories are still the best, but whatevers. The more people we reject, the more people we are encouraging to start their own publishing companies and help us bring reading back as a kinda cool thing to do.

And also, the people who have already sent me stuff, please know: YOU HAVE NOT BEEN REJECTED. I have not read anything yet. I'm sorry for taking so long, but I am looking forward to it, I promise!

3) After our smash coming-out party in New York, the good people at Happy Ending were kind enough to ask us to do a monthly reading series. I do not live there, so it seemed like a bit of a stretch. But my partner Clay has nobly agreed to take on this task. So soon, New Yorkers will have more Awkward than they'll know what to do with. I'll keep you informed on the details when the details is done!

Thanks for being patient!

Also, The Fanzine gave us a nice plug in their "Recommended" section.

Also also, one of Clay's plays was chosen as part of The Best American Short Plays of 2007-2008! Congratulations Clay!

And, let's face it, probably a few times while I'm there. It is hard to stay out of the spotlight for long, even when the spotlight is just a blog with 10-12 readers, most of whom don't even speak English.