Awkward Press

Independent publishers of imaginative fiction and daily meditations on the ridiculousness of the universe.

Archive for ‘Site Notices’

New York Bound

August 26, 2009 By: Category: Events, Site Notices

This is just a message to let you all know that I’m completely sabotaging the awesome traffic we’ve built up on the site by disappearing for a week in the New York City jungle. If you really miss me, you’ll find a way to ge to the Awkward Release Party next Tuesday. I’ll hit you when I get back, friends and strangers!

And, let’s face it, probably a few times while I’m there. It is hard to stay out of the spotlight for long, even when the spotlight is just a blog with 10-12 readers, most of whom don’t even speak English.


Welcome, Honor!

August 20, 2009 By: Category: Site Notices

When people visit, they routinely ask one of two questions. The first is: “are there any zardoz boobs on this site?” The answer is no. The second is: “where the Hell is Honor? The guys on this site look stinky. We want Honor!”

Well, folks, I’m pleased to finally be able to appease the askers of the second question. Honor, as you may know, is in high-demand as the editor and writer of GotoTennis, the only tennis site worth reading on the WWW machine. After many months, however, I was finally able to convince her that we were a legitimate enterprise and that we weren’t going to steal her identity, even though I am technically writing this post under her name. (Hi! It’s Jeffrey. There’s some weird site snafu in which a person’s profile picture won’t show up until they write a post, forhence the reason I am writing this as Honor. I promise, Honor, this is the last time I will ever steal your identity. In America. Overseas is a different story.)

Honor is a great friend and an amazing writer who contributed a great, nail-biter of a story to Awkward One, which you should buy right now. Welcome, Honor! Pardon the odor!

Light Posting Today

August 10, 2009 By: Category: Site Notices, Videos

Yo. I am in the middle of a writing frenzy. It is not fun writing. It is fun, but in a different way. It’s not the kind of writing that’s going to make either of us laugh, is what I mean. But that is the kind of thing a man has to do when a man has a family to support. (Full disclosure: I don’t have a family to support.)

So posting will be light today, if not nonexistent. I guess the existence of this post proves it will not be nonexistent. It is existent. Maybe I should change the title of this post to “Existent Posting Today.”

In the meantime, please enjoy this video of some kid who just made you obsolete:

Help Me, Smarties

July 30, 2009 By: Category: Site Notices

Any smarties out there in the audience? My javascript menu stopped working and I can’t figure out why. Go up to the menu item that reads “contributors” and hover over it. Nothing, right? Then, click on it. Now if you hover … look at all those beautiful names!

Anyone able to tell me why this is happening?

Update: Got it: I accidentally connected a thing to a thing that was not supposed to be connected to that thing. No worries. All better now. I’m a programming genius. Whatever.

Award Presentation

July 29, 2009 By: Category: Greatest Hits, Site Notices

And the award for having 100 hits on a review of Purple Rain goes to … me and Mike! I know that is not many hits in the grand scheme of things, but it is a lot of traffic for our little site. And I, for one, think that is just swell.

Congratulations, us! Since Mike is in New York and I am in Los Angeles, I will have to accept the award on behalf of both of us. Here I am:

I accept!

I accept!

Liveblogging a Glass of Water Comment

July 22, 2009 By: Category: Greatest Hits, Site Notices

The other day, I did a piece where I liveblogged a glass of water. (Full disclosure: I really wanted to liveblog a sandwich, but I didn’t have a sandwich.) After I wrote the piece, I wanted to see how quickly Google registered stuff, so I googled “liveblogging a glass of water.” Lo and behold, there was another website with a post entitled “liveblogging a glass of water.” “This aggression will not stand!” I said, thinking that this person had grabbed my work whole cloth and stuck it on his or her own website. But when I clicked over, I learned that no, this person (Lula Lee, according to her profile) had not ripped me off … in fact, I had ripped her off! The original water liveblog had been posted almost one year ago!

Now, to be fair, our approaches to liveblogging water were slightly different. She was taking a look at the particles in her glass of tap water as they settled, while I was more interested in how delicious and refreshing water is. But, in case Lula ever comes across my article in a Google search, let me just say: you win. You were the first. I promise you I didn’t know it at the time, and I in no way meant to piggyback on your wonderful idea. May this post give you traffic behind your wildest dreams, even though you haven’t updated your blog since February.


PS: The Awkward Movie Challenge Week 3 is coming this afternoon! Get ready … this one’s a zarDOOZY!

It’s Working! It’s Working!

July 16, 2009 By: Category: Experiments, Site Notices

We’re doing it, you guys! I mean, I’m doing it! (Although, if you’re helping me, credit where credit is due … please let me know what you’re doing to help me out in the Great Awkward Boners Battle and I will see that you are given the proper amount of respect. Which is, frankly, very little.) But anyway, how shocked was I when I did an awkward Google search today and discovered this:



We’ve moved up to page 2! Only 5 days after we first moved to page 3! That’s gotta be some kind of record. Please call the Google people and confirm. (The comment was directed at my secretary. Get on it, Rose.)

Um, except then there’s this:

The competish

The competish

Just when a guy starts to get cocky about his Google position, he sees that hanging out 3 spaces above him. What is that? I don’t even want to click on it.

There is still work to be done, my friends. And by my friends, I mean me.

Awkward Boners Battle Update

July 14, 2009 By: Category: Site Notices

Play on, Playas

Play on, Playas

As everyone on the Internet knows, Awkward Press is currently engaged in a fierce battle with Awkward Boners for Google “awkward” search term supremacy. Of course, they are unaware that they are engaged in this battle. But as Patton said, “one-sided battles are the only ones worth winning,” and he was pretty smart about generaling.

When I launched this campaign against the awkward boners, it was really nothing but a pipe dream. I mean, let’s be honest … independent publisher Awkward Press really doesn’t stand much of a chance against a site as single-mindedly brilliant as Awkward Boners. But then a funny thing happened: the more we wrote, the higher up we moved. Right now, we are the 24th most popular result for the word “awkward” on Google. We’ve blown out the Be Your Own Pet album Get Awkward! on Amazon. (Which is a shame, ’cause I like those kids. Sorry BYOP!)’s list of Letterman’s Most Awkward Moments, the one that caused me migraines last week? Try 14 SPOTS BELOW US!

And the best part is this: not only are we the 24th most popular search result for “awkward” … we are the 19th most popular search results for “awkward boners.” It is a beautiful Democracy, this blogosphere.

And now, dear friends, the rallying cry. Do you want to see us take down Awkward Boners? I ask you, is it fair that a site dedicated to that most odious of experiences, the public erection, be ranked higher than a noble independent publishing agency that is just trying to spread a little common decency among the people and animals of America? In a world of children, do we really want Awkward Boners to thrive? I should say we do not! And thusly, if you have yourself a website, please help us out. Give us a link, wouldja guv’ner?

Related posts:
Page 3, Baby!
Awkward Press Rockets to Page 4
Awkward Boners

Page 3, Baby!

July 11, 2009 By: Category: Site Notices

To all the haters who said we couldn’t do it, I say: INCORRECT! Why don’t you go hate somewhere else, haters? Because it’s not nice to be hateful. Especially when what you’re hating on is an independent publishing company. I mean, really. That’s just sad. You should hate on something that deserves your hate, like Phil Spector or koala bears.

Now that I’ve dealt with the haters, I’ve got a message for the lovers: WE DID IT! We made it all the way to page 3 of the Google Awkward search! Some people might be like, “what? who cares?” But those people are HATERS. And right now I’m talking to the lovers. So, thanks, lovers. And if you happen to run into any of those haters who have been saying such hateful things about how Awkward Press could NEVER move from page 4 to page 3 of the Google “awkward” search, you just get on Google and show them what’s what. I’m pretty sure they’ll be like, “oh.”

Safety Post

July 08, 2009 By: Category: Site Notices

Ack! A few hours ago, I posted the Awkward Movie Challenge, which was attributed to me and new Awkward contributor Mike Segretto. For some reason, this replaced my author profile with Segretto’s. This is what happens when you put together a website with no discernible programming skills. So hopefully this post will blow that out and let us both retain our individual identities. Sorry for the inconvenience, blog readers.