Awkward Press

Independent publishers of imaginative fiction and daily meditations on the ridiculousness of the universe.

Archive for ‘Uncategorized’

This Lost Recap Is Just a Link

May 24, 2010 By: Category: Uncategorized

My ongoing application process for the U.S. Special Teams prevents me from explaining the Lost finale in explicit detail, but since you’re all hungering to know what Awkward Press thinks about the “Show that Has America Clucking,” I shall refer you to this. This is what I think about the Lost finale. How convenient that Gabe from Videogum was kind enough to break into my mind and write it all up for me! Thanks, brootha!

An Hilarious Prank

February 04, 2010 By: Category: Uncategorized

Now I’m doing research on pranks. My days are filled with fascinating work. I did a Google search for “best pranks” and the third page that came up was one of those pages on the Internet that have been around since 1991, just sitting there waiting to lure hapless Googlers like me into their suckery. Here’s one of their suggestions:

Prank Party!

One day get together with a couple of your friends for a sleep-over. Choose one friend before the party and tell everyone you’re going to pull a prank on them. Tell your friends to bring ANY prank stuff that they have. When your friend falls asleep, pull a series of pranks such as:
# Sleep-makeovers,
# face fart spray,
# gum in hair,
# and fingers in cold water.

When you run out of pranks, get a CD and put it in your CD player. Turn the volume all the way up. Tell one person to turn on the light when the music goes off. Tell 2 people to dance on the bed, tell some people to blow whistles and scream. Turn on the music and watch your friend go nuts.

Clever! I am especially a fan of the “face fart spray” prank.


Now Accepting Submissions for Awkward Two

January 25, 2010 By: Category: Uncategorized

That’s right, we want your words. 1,500 of them or less, to be exact. We are now looking for stories for our second anthology, Awkward Two. The theme of this issue is Brevity. In honor of the theme, we will keep it brief. You can investigate further by clicking here.

Put On a Red Light

September 10, 2009 By: Category: Uncategorized

From Matt, who is in Amsterdam:

The best part about the red light district is listening in on all the dudes egging each other to go in. One Australian guy was doing everything to get his friend to go in at the same time as him. Lots of back and forth later, the guy goes in alone and the rest of his friends go to a pub to wait. 15 minutes later the guy comes running up to the pub:

Guy: Give me €50.
Friend: Why?
Guy: I’ve done something bad. Give me €50.
Friend: What?
Guy: I’ll tell you later. Give me €50. Give me €50!
Friend: What?
Guy: Give me €50. I’ll pay you right back. I’ll go to the ATM. Just
give me €50. I’m not going back in. Just give me €50.
Friend: What is going on?
Guy: Just… Basically, I need to get my watch back.

La Roux – I’m Not Your Toy

September 10, 2009 By: Category: Uncategorized

Kitty Purry, my absolute bestest Twitter friend ever, just sent me to this video. I do what Kitty tells me, so here we are.

I gotta say, I’m really digging the revival of 80s futuristic disco pop. Whether or not I’m going to run out and pick up La Roux’s album is debatable, but I see nothing wrong with shaking one’s tail feather every now and again to some lightweight pop. All hail the reemergence of the tongue-in-cheek disco diva!

herpes and wrestling and Mark Sanford

September 02, 2009 By: Category: Uncategorized

I am really bad at posting things on this site. Last night Jeffrey made me feel guilty about this. So now I’m posting. Take that, Jeffrey!

Here are the things I’d like to say in this post:
a) Our release event last night was a lot of fun;
b) I want to echo Jeffrey’s thanks to everyone who helped out, and everyone who attended;
c) The story Clay read, about high school wrestlers contracting herpes, was amazing and more than a little disturbing;
d) Also, for no other reason than it is kind of interesting: the full transcript of Mark Sanford’s affair confession speech. There’s something very fun about reading it written out, with all the stumbles and stutters and verbal tics in there.

Light Posting Encore

August 24, 2009 By: Category: Uncategorized

More light posting today, kiddos … work and what not. Did I mention we have a book for sale?

The Best Search Terms Ever

August 20, 2009 By: Category: Uncategorized

Watching the detectives.

Watching the detectives.

As part of the nonstop barrage of information I get about the Awkward website, I am able to check the Google search terms that people used to get to the site. The lengths that people will go to to find that perfect answer to their Google search request is both beautiful and sad. In no particular order, here are the best search terms that people used to find over the last month:

Search Term: giant boners. Analysis: Now, it is true that I was engaged in a little mock battle with Awkward Boners awhile back (a battle in which we were miserably defeated … we’ve moved to page 5 of the awkward Google search since the last posting. Sad smilies all around.) The deal is, I wanted Awkward Press to dominate the “awkward” google search. If you type “awkward” into Google right now, the third highest result is In my quest to blow out of the water (pause), I ended up incessantly dropping the phrase “awkward boners” for a few weeks. So I can understand why someone might land on us through that term. (And 10 people did .. take that,!) But how in the hell did 4 people find us through the search term “giant boners”? I had no clue, until I did a search myself and discovered that AWKWARD PRESS IS NUMBER TWO ON THE GOOGLE GIANT BONERS SEARCH!!! Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

My theory is that it’s because I entitled a post “Giant Boners” and then filled it with the word “Boners” in giant type. I won’t even link to it, because god forbid we move up to number one in the “giant boners” search. As a fun experiment in search engine optimization, I’m going to try it again with the word Awkward and see if that has any effect on our Awkward standings. Here we go:

Awkward Awkward Awkward Awkward

Awkward Awkward Awkward Awkward

Cross your fingers, kids!


Plugs Not Drugs

August 18, 2009 By: Category: Uncategorized

Anyone get their copy of Awkward One yet? If so, whaddya think? Please grade it on a scale from 4-5, 4 being “loved it,” and 5 being “planning to marry it.”

The Awkward Movie Challenge: Gremlins

August 12, 2009 By: Category: Greatest Hits, Movie Reviews, The Awkward Movie Challenge, Uncategorized


According to Netflix, Mike and Jeffrey agree with each other on movies 84% of the time. In their weekly feature, The Awkward Movie Challenge, they search valiantly for that sweet 16% that results in big arguments and big laughs.

Unfortunately, this week Jeffrey is being a very, very small baby, and he says he does not have time to provide his contribution, so Mike is taking over the Awkward Movie Challenge, making it considerably less challenging, but a whole lot more awkward.


gremlinsIn many ways, I’m a sad specimen. When Gremlins debuted in theaters 25 years ago this past June 8th (the same day as Ghostbusters, incidentally), my friend from down the block asked me if I wanted to see it with his family. I backed out because… well, I was a great big chicken (for more evidence of that, check out the regular feature Things That Scare Me on my site Psychobabble). I was not fooled by that fluffy Gizmo thing being hawked at the local Toys ‘R Us. I knew that he was just the cutesy-pie bait used to lure impressionable 10-year olds like me into some sort of traumatizing orgy of disemboweling and face-slashing.

When I finally saw Gremlins after it debuted on HBO a year later, I didn’t find it particularly horrifying, although I did find it to be highly entertaining. Still, I wasn’t completely wrong in my initial assumption that Gremlins might be disturbing; I was only wrong in thinking it contained material that would disturb me (I was more frightened of humanoid creatures than the kinds of scaly beasties in this film, and I lived in terror of seeing any kind of graphic eviscerating).

An assortment of <em>Gremlins</em> merch.