Now go drink some beer and watch some shit blow up in the sky, ya’ll! Do it for Ben Franklin!

Check it out, bitches! A mere two days after announcing the Awkward Boners challenge, Awkward Press has SHOT UP two whole pages in the Google “awkward” search. I am proud to announce that we are now the 34th most popular awkward anything on the web, right behind Cracked.com’s list of David Letterman’s most awkward moments. I am so filled with joy right now that I’m literally peeing tears. Or, whatever it is that is the opposite of literally.

The relative ease of this triumph has led me to realize that I’ve set the bar too low. Yes, I still want to take the #3 spot away from Awkwardboners.com in the “awkward” Google search. But I am also now committed to stealing the #2 “boners” spot. How do I intend to accomplish this? Well, according to search engine optimization people, the H1 headers are crucial. In order to get cranked up in the boners search, I should pepper my page with giant boners, like so:

Boners boners boners boners boners!

Boners boners boners boners boners!

Did I mention that we publish literature, too? How proud is my mom? Buttons literally popping, but not literally.

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OH MY GOD NOW JEFF GOLDBLUM IS DEAD, TOO?!?

Update: Hooray! Jeff Goldblum is alive again!

This just in! Michael Jackson had a heart attack!

One of my hopes for my life has always been to outlive Michael Jackson. Because when he dies, we might finally find out what in the Hell that dude is all about.

Update: Oh my god. I guess I just got my wish.

Wow. I’m speechless.

This is my first post on the Awkward site.  It’s very exciting.  And for my first post, I’m going to talk about sex.  Specifically, SEX ON FIRE, the song by Kings of Leon.  You have definitely heard this song, if you live in America and are not deaf.  I was driving around LA last week and it was on the radio literally every fifteen minutes.  It is unbelievably catchy and horrendously overplayed.  The first bunch of times I heard it, I thought to myself, in disbelief, ”Is he saying ‘Your sex is on fire’?”  The phrase “your sex” is just strange and kind of, well, gross. Or clinical. Or something. I mean, who tells someone “I love your sex”? You’d say “I love having sex with you” or “I enjoy sex with you.” Much classier. Right?

But it turns out he (Kings of Leon lead singer Caleb Followill) is saying exactly what I thought he was saying.

It turns out, in fact, that the lyrics of this song are more patently ridiculous than I could have ever imagined.  Here they are:

Lay where you’re laying, don’t make a sound
I know they’re watching, they’re watching
All the commotion, the kiddie like play
Has people talking, talking

You, your sex is on fire

The dark of the alley, the breaking of day
The head while I’m driving, I’m driving
Soft lips are open, knuckles are pale
Feels like you’re dying, you’re dying

You, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what’s to transpire

Hot as a fever, rattling bones
I could just taste it, taste it
If it’s not forever, if it’s just tonight
Oh, it’s still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest

You, your sex is on fire
And you, your sex is on fire
Consumed with what’s to transpire

…Now what I want you to imagine, boys and girls, is saying these words to someone you love.  Someone that you are currently sleeping with.  And imagine this person’s reaction particularly when you use the words “kiddie-like play,” “feels like you’re dying,” and “rattling bones” while complimenting their prowess in the bedroom.

It might get a little awkward.

Slate posted a video today about a special children’s anti-drug event from the 90s called “Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue.” It’s a 1/2 hour-long cartoon special about the dangers of smoking marijuana, starring all of your favorite 80s cartoon stars, like the Muppet Babies, the Smurfs, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and Bugs Bunny(! Say it ain’t so, Bugs!). It’s animated in that awful, cheap-looking Hanna-Barbara style that apparently is the only way Chinese teenagers know how to draw. Because these cartoons are all actually drawn by Chinese teenagers.

Apparently this show was so important that it aired on all three networks simultaneously. Ya know, growing up in the Just Say No era, drugs were one of the scariest things in the world to me. I had no idea what they were, but I knew they were terrifying. Because we were constantly bombarded by propaganda that made it seem like the minute we hit puberty, we would regularly be whisked into back alleys by the popular kids who would threaten to make our lives a living Hell if we didn’t take a hit off of their joints. Which, I don’t even think my town had alleys.

On a totally related topic, when I was a kid I would memorize the names of the members of metal bands because I had an irrational fear that one day I’d be walking home (I didn’t even walk to school) and some stoner would threaten to kick my ass unless I told him the names of the members of Cinderella, immediately. Embarrassing, but true. Dear studio executives: please bring the Cartoon All-Stars back for a special about how you should always know the names of metal superstars in case something like this happens. You’re welcome!

The question is, is this really the target audience we need to reach? 10-year-olds? If you are a 10-year-old kid and you are doing drugs, your problems probably can’t be solved by the Muppet Babies. And that’s one to grow on.

But remember how well it worked? How everyone that was born in the 80s is still afraid of drugs and does not do them ever? Well done, America’s drug war! A very effective use of money.

Anyway, here’s the whole cartoon, for your amusement. I haven’t watched it. Please let me know if it’s worth the effort.

So. Welcome to this. Kyle, Jeffrey and me have been talking talking about putting something together for some time now — and here we are. Feeling pretty psyched about it. Pick up a copy if you can. Thank you!