Awkward Press

Since we started this whole “Meet the Writers” thing, traffic on awkwardpress.com has shot through the roof. We got over 2,600 hits in the last month. Which may not seem like much to your Justin Biebers and your Chocolate Rainers, but it’s pretty damn good for us.

Internet traffic is like a drug. Ask our friend Clay, who went from blogging naysayer to Fangoria phenomenon after discovering the thrill of writing a hot blog post. It is very exciting to check your stats every day and see them going up. Especially for us writers, who are mostly unfamiliar with the joys of popularity.

Getting popular is exciting, but staying popular is hard. If you’re not updating your blog a few times a day, you can forget keeping an audience. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way several times over the years, and the Internet is littered with blogs that have been sitting untouched for years.

In my quest to avoid becoming one of these blogs, I just went poking around to see what the kids are into. I needed a quick post that I could churn out to make it seem as if we’re still relevant, and I thought I’d take the easy route of just reposting some other dude’s viral video and calling it a day. But here’s the rub: there is nothing going on out there. And from this five minute survey, I have determined that viral videos are dead. They’re over. The market has become saturated and is starting to eat itself.

Until the Awkward Two trailer is released next week, that is. Make way for Viral Videos 2.0!

In the meantime, here’s some dumb crap that I stole from Buzzfeed. (more…)

This is beautiful. Double Rainbow, you just got SCHOOLED. These dudes make you look like a liquid fart.

(Via Videogum!)

Reggie Watts? Who the hell is this dude? And how did he ever get so fresh?

(Thanks, Videogum!)

Hey champs! I’ve been gallivanting around the United States, trying to convince a bunch of old guys that I’m a perfect selection for the U.S. Special Teams (the ones responsible for the stock market and Crocs), so I haven’t really been able to post as often as I’d like. As part of the application process, I need to show that I have multiple interests. Coincidentally, a few weeks ago I was invited by the promising young American director Gabe Michael to appear as the creepy boss in his entry for a contest sponsored by Lionsgate Films. Because in Hollywood, you don’t even have to be an actor to be an actor. If he wins the contest, he will get to direct a real movie for Lionsgate, and my nomination for the U.S. Special Teams is all but assured.

So here’s what you need to do, if you care about me or Awkward Press or anything we represent. Go to this website here and watch the film. And then comment on how good it is. Even if you think it’s garbage, comment on how good it is. Because that’s how reviews work. Wouldn’t you agree, Roger Ebert?

Also, in case you’re like, “Wait, what? This movie isn’t really a movie,” here’s the story behind it: contest entrants were asked to shoot a single scene from a user-submitted script. The script in our case is about two guys who start a business where they act like assholes in job interviews so the guy that interviews after them will come across like a king. So, no, there is not a complete story told in this 3 minute excerpt. But I think we can all agree that I am the best and most original performer who has ever been captured on film.

My wife is out of town, so I took the opportunity to record a $exxxy video. Here it is, with longwinded comments about topics that are only of interest to computer geeks following.

It’s embarrassing how many times I’ve rerecorded this thing, and I’m still pretty unhappy with it. I can do that Mariah part much better and I did in earlier versions, but the rest of the song wasn’t quite as good in the earlier versions, so I said “fuck it, kill your darlings.” And the audio sounds terrible because I had to record it with the internal mic on my new Mac, because guess what? You can’t just plug a microphone into a Mac and record with it. You have to buy some interface thingy that interfaces the plug with the plug. Which actually, we already have an interface thingy … my wife has this M-Audio firewire box that has inputs for guitars and microphones and so you plug those things into the M-Audio and then you plug the M-Audio into your Mac and voila! Now you can record your guitar in Garage Band! Only you can’t, because I just got a brand-spanking new MacBook Pro (’cause I’m a professional, natch), and apparently there’s a new kind of firewire plug and this old M-Audio thing has the old kind of firewire plug which means I can’t plug the plug into the plug without getting an adapter to interface the plug with the plug. But and also how are you going to make Garage Band your like flagship program and then make it super intensely difficult for someone to do anything with that program unless they spend a bunch of money to buy the right plugs? Apple: boooooo. (more…)

I think about giving someone the gas face probably five times a day. What is the gas face? This is the gas face.

Here’s a primer, courtesy of 3rd Bass:

How do you know that MC Serch is the coolest guy you’ll ever meet? ‘Cause he looks and dances like that and he still hangs with playaz!

Dear God:

Thank you for making people. Because without people, we would not have the Internet. And without the Internet, we would not have Videogum. And without Videogum, I would not know about this, the most amazing thing that has ever been produced by the people you created.

How do I know miracles exist? Because Insane Clown Posse, that’s how!

Don’t even try to step to this kind of sexy. You’ll only embarrass yourself.

So You Think You Can Dins from Brendan Hughes on Vimeo.

There’s an article today on Salon about how Sinead O’ Connor still hates the Catholic church. Shocker! They included the infamous video of her on Saturday Night Live ripping up the picture of the pope. I watched it live when I was a kid and I haven’t seen it since. It was a very memorable and strange television moment. My dad already thought Sinead was a wack job because she didn’t have any hair. Also because I liked her and the stuff I liked was weird. He called her Sinbad O’ Connor, which remains a very clever play on words. So when she ripped up the picture of the pope he was pretty happy about it, because it meant that he was right and she was crazy. He didn’t really care about the pope being disrespected. He was just pleased to have an excuse to make fun of her anger and baldness for awhile longer.

Anyway, here’s the video. It is still pretty riveting, even though I maintain that you can’t just sing anything and call it a song. I know, it’s a Bob Marley song or whatever. Doesn’t matter. NOT A SONG. (more…)

Awkward Press is crumbling into irrelevance. I haven’t posted anything in almost a week. I’ve been very busy cracking the genetic code that turns people into donkeys. Once I get it all hooked up, we’re gonna have some serious-ass donkey parties, ya’ll. In the meantime, here are some videos that will make you pee with delight. (more…)