Awkward Press

We should all be so Brody.

Sorry folks, I’m really phoning it in this week. Or rather, not answering the phone. There’s a reason, though: I have been up to my eyeballs in code, trying to figure out how to make this eBook thing work.

The good news is that I think I finally got it! The bad news is that I’ve been lying to all of you for several months now. See, when we first conceived of the Awkward film & book project, we were all, “that’ll be awesome on the iPad! People can read a story and then watch the movie immediately afterwards!” But at the time, we soon discovered, you couldn’t actually do that, because the iTunes store did not allow books with embedded video. And also we had no idea how to code that freaking thing even if they did.

All that changed about two weeks ago. According to my inside sources, iTunes now hosts books with moving picture shows stuck right inside them, just as we’d always hoped. And just as we’d promised you, even though we had absolutely no business doing so.

Anyway, last night I dove into the matrix and figured out how to create this thing we’ve been promising to create, even though the universe consistently reassured us that we were not allowed to create this thing. And I think I finally got it! (I said that already!)

So we won! We beat the universe! And honestly, we couldn’t be prouder of myself. Pat on the back, me! In the meantime, however, Awkward Thee Website has faltered. And right before the book is being released and we need to drum up interest, too. See how these things work? Self-sabotage.

So I’ll just tell you two things, post a video, and get back to poring over code. 1) Catfish. Go see it. Amazing. 2) The new Superchunk record. Buy it. It’s as if 1994 never ended.

And now an important message from our sponsor, by way of Videogum by way of Everything Is Terrible:

See you on the other side, dudes!

Nothing much to report today, except how awesome Awkward Two continues to be. One week until official release! Get your panties ready!

While we await other exciting news, here’s a video about how to make free ringtones using iTunes. Which, I remember when I first got my iPhone way back when, and I was like, “Whuuuuut? You’re gonna give me a device with all my music on it and then make me pay to use that music as a ringtone?” [Insert comment from PC fanciers about how evil Steve Jobs is here]. But apparently there’s a work-around. And here it is!

Sidenote: How much you want to bet this becomes the most popular post on the site at some point in the near future? Lesson for any would-be bloggers: titles always trump content. As we’ve learned from the “Adidas Created the Soccer Ball” debacle.

Awkward Two Trailer from Awkward Press on Vimeo.

I’m like Don Draper … I was taught that it’s not polite to talk about yourself. The other day, one of my friends who I hadn’t seen in awhile asked me how Awkward was going. “It’s ok,” I said. “I’ve sunk a lot of money into it.” Sarah give me some shit about that afterwards. “What is that?” she asked. “Humility?” I don’t really know. It’s me trying not to sound cocky, I guess.

Well, that was the old me. The new me is all cocky, all the time. And boy oh boy, do I have something to be cocky about today.

Just look at that freaking thing. It’s a work of beauty, right? Here’s the story: I wrote the script about a month ago, thinking it was a fun idea that was probably too ambitious for us to do. But, just for kicks, I sent it off to Gabe Michael to see if he had any interest in shooting it. I’d worked with Gabe earlier on another film project he was doing, and I knew he had the goods. Miraculously, he jumped on board, along with badass producer (and professional “fixer”) Shahin Younessi . In one week, they assembled a talented crew and an amazing cast, and put together what I, in my newfound cocky opinion, believe is the best book trailer ever made. Total cost: just under $500. About $300 of that was food. Wrestlers eat a lot. Not as much as sound guys, but a lot.

Crazy amounts of love and respect to the crew: Director Gabe, Producer Shahin, DP Alex Rodriquez, AD Jeannine Sturtevant, Gaffer Richard Lee, Makeup Artist Mannee Leija, Sound Mixer/Boom Operator John E. Walker, and PA/Runner Laura Giangiulio. And tears of joy for the hilarious cast: Chris Chiquet as the Reader and Lucas Messer & Kevin Scarlette as the wrestlers. Thanks, everyone. I can’t tell you how proud I am of this and how grateful I am for your hard work.

Convinced yet? Buy it.

Update
Oh! Totally forgot. Thanks as well to the multitalented Matt Ransford for A) designing the Crime & Punishment book cover and B) letting the shoot interrupt his LA vacation!

We’re still putting together the final Awkward Films website, but I thought you might want to see the first of our creations. This is “Inappropriate Gifts,” directed by Tracy Dishman and based on the story by Lynette D’Amico. It’s exactly what I was hoping for with this whole Awkward film project … an adaptation that turns a beautiful piece of literature into a beautiful piece of film. Enjoy!

Inappropriate Gifts from Awkward Press on Vimeo.

Since we started this whole “Meet the Writers” thing, traffic on awkwardpress.com has shot through the roof. We got over 2,600 hits in the last month. Which may not seem like much to your Justin Biebers and your Chocolate Rainers, but it’s pretty damn good for us.

Internet traffic is like a drug. Ask our friend Clay, who went from blogging naysayer to Fangoria phenomenon after discovering the thrill of writing a hot blog post. It is very exciting to check your stats every day and see them going up. Especially for us writers, who are mostly unfamiliar with the joys of popularity.

Getting popular is exciting, but staying popular is hard. If you’re not updating your blog a few times a day, you can forget keeping an audience. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way several times over the years, and the Internet is littered with blogs that have been sitting untouched for years.

In my quest to avoid becoming one of these blogs, I just went poking around to see what the kids are into. I needed a quick post that I could churn out to make it seem as if we’re still relevant, and I thought I’d take the easy route of just reposting some other dude’s viral video and calling it a day. But here’s the rub: there is nothing going on out there. And from this five minute survey, I have determined that viral videos are dead. They’re over. The market has become saturated and is starting to eat itself.

Until the Awkward Two trailer is released next week, that is. Make way for Viral Videos 2.0!

In the meantime, here’s some dumb crap that I stole from Buzzfeed. (more…)

This is beautiful. Double Rainbow, you just got SCHOOLED. These dudes make you look like a liquid fart.

(Via Videogum!)

Reggie Watts? Who the hell is this dude? And how did he ever get so fresh?

(Thanks, Videogum!)

Hey champs! I’ve been gallivanting around the United States, trying to convince a bunch of old guys that I’m a perfect selection for the U.S. Special Teams (the ones responsible for the stock market and Crocs), so I haven’t really been able to post as often as I’d like. As part of the application process, I need to show that I have multiple interests. Coincidentally, a few weeks ago I was invited by the promising young American director Gabe Michael to appear as the creepy boss in his entry for a contest sponsored by Lionsgate Films. Because in Hollywood, you don’t even have to be an actor to be an actor. If he wins the contest, he will get to direct a real movie for Lionsgate, and my nomination for the U.S. Special Teams is all but assured.

So here’s what you need to do, if you care about me or Awkward Press or anything we represent. Go to this website here and watch the film. And then comment on how good it is. Even if you think it’s garbage, comment on how good it is. Because that’s how reviews work. Wouldn’t you agree, Roger Ebert?

Also, in case you’re like, “Wait, what? This movie isn’t really a movie,” here’s the story behind it: contest entrants were asked to shoot a single scene from a user-submitted script. The script in our case is about two guys who start a business where they act like assholes in job interviews so the guy that interviews after them will come across like a king. So, no, there is not a complete story told in this 3 minute excerpt. But I think we can all agree that I am the best and most original performer who has ever been captured on film.

My wife is out of town, so I took the opportunity to record a $exxxy video. Here it is, with longwinded comments about topics that are only of interest to computer geeks following.

It’s embarrassing how many times I’ve rerecorded this thing, and I’m still pretty unhappy with it. I can do that Mariah part much better and I did in earlier versions, but the rest of the song wasn’t quite as good in the earlier versions, so I said “fuck it, kill your darlings.” And the audio sounds terrible because I had to record it with the internal mic on my new Mac, because guess what? You can’t just plug a microphone into a Mac and record with it. You have to buy some interface thingy that interfaces the plug with the plug. Which actually, we already have an interface thingy … my wife has this M-Audio firewire box that has inputs for guitars and microphones and so you plug those things into the M-Audio and then you plug the M-Audio into your Mac and voila! Now you can record your guitar in Garage Band! Only you can’t, because I just got a brand-spanking new MacBook Pro (’cause I’m a professional, natch), and apparently there’s a new kind of firewire plug and this old M-Audio thing has the old kind of firewire plug which means I can’t plug the plug into the plug without getting an adapter to interface the plug with the plug. But and also how are you going to make Garage Band your like flagship program and then make it super intensely difficult for someone to do anything with that program unless they spend a bunch of money to buy the right plugs? Apple: boooooo. (more…)