Dammit! Let me buy my apples in peace!

Well, we need something, to keep with this nice stream of traffic we've been generating lately. So I propose a list of songs that get in our heads in certain situations. For example:

- Every time I buy an apple at the farmer's market, I get Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" in my head. ("Give me spots on apples/but leave me the birds and the bees.")
- There's a Fountains of Wayne song called "Seatbacks and Traytables Up" that cycles through my head whenever I'm on a plane.

That is a short list. Anyone else?

Okay, they're more homogeneous than we are. They have way higher taxes. What else? It's cold? I mean, you know that money doesn't make people happy, right? Plenty of happy people who aren't rich, plenty of miserable people who are. Some brain devil tells us that we would be different. Maybe other people are unhappy being rich, but I would not be. Well, I declare hooey! You would be just as sad and lonely as you are now. The only way money could ever make you happy is if it could buy you a machine that would let you travel back in time and murder your parents before they fucked you up.

The alternative to that kind of machine is a high quality of life. And all those things would go on my quality of life wish list. If it means I've gotta pay a little extra for it, so be it. I already give 60% of my income away to charity* ; why not just donate it to building a better society?

* I totally don't give 60% of my income away to charity.

Internet traffic is like a drug. Ask our friend Clay, who went from blogging naysayer to Fangoria phenomenon after discovering the thrill of writing a hot blog post. It is very exciting to check your stats every day and see them going up. Especially for us writers, who are mostly unfamiliar with the joys of popularity.

Getting popular is exciting, but staying popular is hard. If you're not updating your blog a few times a day, you can forget keeping an audience. I've learned this lesson the hard way several times over the years, and the Internet is littered with blogs that have been sitting untouched for years.

In my quest to avoid becoming one of these blogs, I just went poking around to see what the kids are into. I needed a quick post that I could churn out to make it seem as if we're still relevant, and I thought I'd take the easy route of just reposting some other dude's viral video and calling it a day. But here's the rub: there is nothing going on out there. And from this five minute survey, I have determined that viral videos are dead. They're over. The market has become saturated and is starting to eat itself.

Until the Awkward Two trailer is released next week, that is. Make way for Viral Videos 2.0!

In the meantime, here's some dumb crap that I stole from Buzzfeed.

Here's some kid dancing to a pop song. He's actually pretty good. Who cares?

Roger Federer is incredible! I know! Over it.

All pop music is the same. Revelation! I'm falling asleep.

This isn't viral and I didn't get it from Buzzfeed. I typed "I'm so bored" into YouTube and this is what came up. This kid isn't gay, btw, so please stop saying he is.

Sigh. This is what the world has come to. Not with a bang, but a lip sync.

At this point, the story has become a personal favorite, and I'm so glad we didn't make the foolish decision to bag it. It ends with a sentence that is, in my book, on par with "He loved Big Brother" in its shock value. I think it's going to blow people's minds and make them feel a little icky in a really delicious way.

I don't know much about John Harrower because he lives way over yonder in Scotland. An Amazon search turns up a memoir by John Harrower, an indentured servant from the Virginia colony in 1773. I'm pretty certain this is a different John Harrower. I can say this with confidence, though: the modern John Harrower has been a lovely person to work with in all our dealings, and if he has other stories in him as good as "Greed," he's going to go a long way in the writing biz.

John Harrower

1) Who are you and why are you here?
My name is John Harrower. I came here to spill some words on you. Sorry if they stain.

2) Why do you write?
If I didn’t write the ideas would still come but would become stale and stunted, trapped in my brain. And who needs a head full of expired plans?

3) What's the best thing you've ever written?
The suicide note from my failed attempt. No, I jest of course. I’m proud of my creative nonfiction essay exploring the duality of the Scottish mindset between “radgeness” and “soundness”.

4) What do you do when you aren't writing?
I read. I talk to people and listen. I play guitar. I work. I create. I swim in the internet seas. Sometimes I just waste days sleeping. I dream.

5) Name two books that have blown your mind.
House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski made me think about the limitations we oppose on ourselves in writing in certain ways. And that says nothing about the gripping plot and the superb, chameleonic writing style. Lanark by Alasdair Gray had a huge impact on me. I one day want to be able to write a story and end up with something a miniscule amount as good as Lanark is.

6) What do you like to write about?
I like to write about hearts bending and breaking, technology rising up and pushing us forward and Things Going Wrong.

7) Complete this sentence: If the world could know one thing about me, it's that I …
Once won an award for cunnilingus.

8) Are we doomed?
No more than usual.

9) Anything else?
Isobel Mosley, if you’re reading this, I want my Playstation One back.

Jeffrey Dinsmore

Jeffrey Dinsmore, also known as Jeffrey D, is the main brain behind Awkward Press and the man responsible for 90% of the content of this website.  He is also responsible for 90% of the world's orgasms.  That second part isn't true, but what is true is that Jeffrey is one of my favorite people in the world.  He is that incredible rare combination of someone who is both wildly talented and deeply good.  He's also one of the funniest people I've met, and one of the luckiest as his wife is one of the coolest wives I've ever met.  The biggest compliment I can pay him is to say that he's an inspiration to me -- which sounds Tony Robbins-y  I know, but is true.  (Blushing now, Jeff?)  For more about Jeffrey, read pretty much anything on this website, or check out his weight loss progress at www.jeffreydinsmore.com. If you're interested in giving him money, visit portfolio.jeffreydinsmore.com for work samples.  -Kyle

The Interview Portion

1) Who are you and why are you here?
Jeffrey Dinsmore. I'm here because I have a naïve belief that if you put creative things out into the world and treat people decently, the universe will eventually reward you in some way. So basically, I'm just in it for myself.

2) Why do you write?
I write to make myself laugh. I write to show off. I write because it's the one thing I've always been pretty good at. I write because I had a crush on my second grade teacher, Mrs. White, and she told me I should be a writer.

3) What's the best thing you've ever written?
This is such an asshole question. I can't believe I wrote it. And an asshole question deserves an asshole response. I wholeheartedly believe my book I, An Actress: The Autobiography of Karen Jamey will someday be recognized as a comic masterpiece. Very few people have read this book, and even fewer have liked it. My aunt's a big fan. So is my friend Michael from The New Yorker. That's about it. The best review I got called it a "pleasant diversion." It is currently taking up space on remainder shelves around the country, so if you happen to stumble across a copy, please drop $1.50 on it and give it a shot. Also, you can buy it for one red cent through Amazon.

4) What do you do when you aren't writing?
I'm busy dreaming up new projects to distract me from what I should be doing, which is writing.

5) Name two books that have blown your mind.
The first book that really showed me how brilliant writing could be was Alice in Wonderland. It's a shame that some of the best books get pigeonholed as children's literature, because I can't think of any "adult" novel that is as powerful, strange, hilarious, succinct, and brilliant as Alice in Wonderland. The first book that changed my conception of the world was Life: The Movie by Neal Gabler. It's a nonfiction book that points out the myriad ways in which reality has been overtaken by entertainment. Other books that have given me the shivers (in a good way) are Animal Farm and 1984, Infinite Jest (for sheer brilliance of writing), and pretty much anything the great Roald Dahl ever committed to paper.

6) What do you like to write about?
I like to write stories that are completely silly and innocuous on the surface and could possibly be interpreted as saying something profound, although I seldom know what that profound statement is. Style-wise, I like to write sentences that are so excruciatingly bad they develop their own internal beauty.

7) Complete this sentence: If the world could know one thing about me, it's that I …
firmly believe that dishonesty is the root of all evil.

8) Are we doomed?
I hope against hope that we aren't, but I sure don't know how we're going to get ourselves out of this pickle.

9) Anything else?
I am in awe of all the creative people who have devoted their time and energy to Awkward Two in exchange for very little. The writers, the directors, the crew members, the designers, and the printer have been uniformly wonderful to work with. I really feel like we're creating something special here, and I hope the final result is something to which you'll all be proud to have your names attached. And a special shout out to my partners Clay and Kyle, who have been there from the beginning and are working their asses off in the background while I hog all the glory. Thank you to everyone in the extended Awkward community ... this feels right.

1) Vinnie Penn's "Saved by the Smell": Vinnie Penn wrote a hilarious story for the book called "Saved by the Smell." Great title, right? Only you'd never know this was the title if you looked at the table of contents or the comments in the book. In each of these places, the story is referred to as "The Apartment." Major, major screwup, and I'm very sorry to Mr. Penn for the mistake. Please know that the actual title of the story is "Saved by the Smell." If we ever do reprints, we'll make sure this is corrected.

2) Matthew David Brozik's "Baldfaced Lawyer": Matthew David Brozik is referred to as Matthew Brozik on the back of the book and in the table of contents. A writer's name is his brand, and mistakes like this are unforgivable. Mr. Brozik should not forgive us. Again, corrections will be made.

3) I haven't actually heard from the writer on this one, but same deal with Shari D. Frost ... we left out the D.

Hopefully none of these mistakes affect the integrity of the stories, but they are really annoying and somewhat insulting to the authors who have worked their asses off to help us out. If you have a story in Awkward Two and you notice an error, please let me know ... I'll put a correction on the website and make sure it gets edited for the digital release. I apologize wholeheartedly for the errors and will do my best to correct them in any way I can.

Shame-facedly,
Jeffrey

A week goes by, and the TBS people call them up to say, "Hey! We love it! Thanks!" The Roger guys (none of whom are named Roger, BTW) ask them when they'd like the final version, and TBS says, "This is it! We're done!" So airing on TBS right now is a promo for Conan O' Brien that I wrote and narrated. I feel like a high school girl in Passaic who just got asked to prom by the orangest juicehead in New Jersey!

The sound is a little tough to decipher since we did it with a USB mic in iMovie (!), but there you go! Modern advertising at it's best. Check it out after the break!

Side trivia: The model in the spot is Roger's beloved office manager Beth McClung. I don't think she had any acting aspirations before this, but I could totally see her rocking Don Draper's world on Mad Men. And everyone knows that aspiration is just as good as perspiration, right, Danny?

Rachel Lieberman

Rachel Lieberman is a victim of her own brilliance. As I mention like every day to anyone who will listen, Awkward Two is more than just a book ... it's also an experiment in instant adaptation. A few months ago, we gave copies of the stories to a selection of independent filmmakers and invited them to try and adapt them for the silver screen. Rachel's piece, "Instructions for Operating a Heartbreaking Machine," was an instant favorite among the filmmakers. One of these filmmakers decided to try and adapt the piece for a Showtime contest that was going on at the time. Unfortunately, life got in the way, and the film has yet to progress past the planning stages. We do have some kick-ass frames, though, which I'll probably include in the "conceptual extras" portion of the book or somewhere on the website. Book, web, iPad ... it's all the same thing nowadays, wot?

I'm very sad that we never got a chance to see the finished version of what would have undoubtably been a masterpiece of the short film format, but at least we still have Rachel's ceaselessly entertaining story to fall back on. And not only that, but because "Heartbreaking" was on the shorter side of the micro-short spectrum, Rachel was kind enough to provide us with one more thoroughly entertaining piece to round out the book. Her enthusiasm, talent, and absolute coolness have been much appreciated throughout the process, and I look forward to the day when you'll gobble up her work and roll it around in your mouth like a lovely Sweet Tart, as it deserves.

1) Who are you and why are you here?
My name is Rachel. I'm here because Jeffrey and the rest of the Awkward crew liked my work. I think that's pretty neat. I also think Awkward in general is pretty neat.

2) Why do you write?
I write for the absolute cheesiest reason possible: because I don't feel right without it. It's why I majored in writing in college. Sure, I could have majored in something more "useful," but what's the fun in that?

3) What's the best thing you've ever written?
I tend to just think the most recent thing I've finished (not written, finished), is the best thing yet. But I guess that just proves that writing is a constantly evolving process for me, as it is for most writers. That said, I'm particularly proud of the pieces that were accepted for Awkward Two.

4) What do you do when you aren't writing?
The reason this is so late is because I just spent the last week moving from upstate New York to Tampa to start a new job. I will be supervising a student writing center at a college down here. So most of my time will go to that. Also, Minesweeper. I'm wicked good at Minesweeper.

5) Name two books that have blown your mind.
House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski is so good. It should be required reading for anyone interested in experimental fiction. I'm also a big fan of Douglas Coupland's book jPod, which was one of the first postmodern style books I ever read, and still my favorite of the style.

6) What do you like to write about?
There's honestly no one thing I prefer to write about. On any given day you'll find me working on a YA fantasy novel, or a short story about relationships, or alcohol, or relationships and alcohol, or really anything in between. I just go wherever the voices in my head tell me to go.

7) Complete this sentence: If the world could know one thing about me, it's that I …
will never have enough Indian food.

8) Are we doomed?
No, we're not doomed. We're not even more afraid of being doomed. We just have more efficient ways of expressing that fear, and spreading it.

9) Anything else?
Buy Awkward Two. Or I will find you. If I remember to.

Joanna Whitmarsh

Look, here's the thing. As I'm doing the intros to these profiles, you may start to notice that I happen to know quite a few of the writers personally. "Nepotism!" you cry. "Awkward Press is nothing but a bunch of nepotisers!" But see: it isn't like that. When we went through the submissions, we were not allowed to read stories by writers we knew. We did not pick our friends for this book. It just so happens that we know some kick-ass writers.

The fact that Joanna Whitmarsh is a kick-ass writer came as a complete surprise. I met her in a community art class that I took at Barnsdall Park in Los Feliz. The same community art class, in fact, that was taught by awkwardpress.com legend Victoria Howard. See how the world works? Circles.

Joanna and I were the only people in the class younger than 87, so naturally we struck up a bond. Come to find out she's a sketch comedy writer. "Well!" said I, "What do you know? I happen to own a publishing company, and we're looking for short stories! Which are like sketches without all that acting nonsense! Also: I'm a notorious nepotiser!" A week later, she sent me a submission, which I promptly sent along to my partners. And they loved it! And wanted it in the book! And then I read it! And totally agreed! And I came back to art class and broke the news to Joanna and we screamed and jumped around the room in glee, smashing amateurish attempts at pottery to the ground in joyful abandon.

The point of the story: Joanna is the best. Her story is great, and I have no doubt that you will soon love her as much as I do. By the end of this profile, I predict!

1) Who are you and why are you here?
I'm still figuring out the who part a little but, I come in peace. Most of the time, anyway.

As for why I'm here, I used to believe my existence was the product of an attempt at marriage fixing until a new theory developed recently. An older and somewhat wis- well, we'll just say more experienced friend of mine, was mentioning how during the times he was married (yes, multiple times) eventually any "lovin'" was done on holidays and/or birthdays. We were joking around and I was laughing at his expense until my dad's birthday date suddenly popped into my head. My laughing slowed as I did a little mathematics on my fingers. We'll just say crickets ensued from my end. My friend then ran off with the rights to the much envied prize of "the last laugh."

This theory has yet to be confirmed with the authorities. It's okay with me to leave it unanswered as it's enough that my first name is because of the amazing talents of Kool and the Gang.*

*according to my sister.

2) Why do you write?
On the rare occasion I manage to do the work of filling blank pages, it's because I'm a) interested by a picture/scene that has popped up in my head and b) am feeling like a rock star! Too frequently I'm missing the b) element and I procrastinate my way away from the page with more important things like worrying.

3) What's the best thing you've ever written?
Hmm, maybe that one very strongly-worded letter to my dad way back when? My memory says it was a very clear and well-articulated document. Really I feel like any attempts at creative writing is just barely getting started...I'm not sure any particular voice or style has been uncovered yet so, I'll get back to you! There is a story/sketch/monologue/something-else-or-the-other that is in the beginning stages of writing that I have a great title for: My Lover, the Baby-Boomer. This title makes me, and probably only me, laugh, laugh, laugh! It may be one of those things like a tattoo or piercing in a prominent, important area that you love for awhile until later are both made fun of for and left to wonder what on Earth you were thinking. So far though, this title amuses me with lots of quirky, fun options.

4) What do you do when you aren't writing?
Lately, think about how I should be writing. Other than that I tend to follow my friends Curiosity and Spontaneous to try out things like ukulele classes, drawing, sewing, and other DIY activities.

5) Name two books that have blown your mind.
Yikes. I'm afraid this may definitely blow my cover as a novice writer already on the brink of failure. I often choose to ignore all the things that supposedly everyone reads and knows about in the literary world so that I can dive into things I just think are funny and/or informative. So, I read a lot of not-so-highly-esteemed writing. I won't list all those items here. I'll just say an author who I honestly do love, who doesn't?, David Sedaris. He always makes me laugh.

6) What do you like to write about?
Quirks and the people who embody them. Also, embarrassing and/or ironic moments.

7) Complete this sentence: If the world could know one thing about me, it's that I …
crossed the road to check out the drum circle.

8) Are we doomed?
Only those who are fair-skinned and polar bears, the poor things. *

*I am doomed.

9) Anything else?
Here I would like to mention that Jeffrey, while diverse and fabulous in his writing skills, is good at drawing! He hates charcoal. I loved it.

Shari D. Frost

Shari D. Frost is another of the fabulous writers who found us out there in the ether. There are a lot of great stories in Awkward Two, don't get me wrong. 33 of them, to be exact. But Shari's story "My Girl" was the only one in the bunch that really, truly threw me for a loop. I don't want to give too much away, but she somehow manages to fit 3 major twists into a story that is under 1,500 words. Just when you think the story's about one thing, it veers in a different direction. It's a really unique take on our expectations of genre that kept me enthralled from the first word to the last, and I can't wait for you to read it!

The Interview Portion

1) Who are you and why are you here?
Still working on that one…I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime I’m open to suggestions, so if you find any clues in anything I’ve written, let me know.

2) Why do you write?
Because, interestingly enough, while no one listens when I talk (clearly I’m not as interesting as an iPad, iPod, iPhone, iCe-cream, or anything else that starts with “i”) I’m frequently asked for a peak at the latest draft of whatever I’m working on. So all I have to do is add in a few stage directions or an extra paragraph like (exit stage right – and take out the garbage, it’s garbage night.) Works every time. I highly recommend it.

3) What's the best thing you've ever written?
That’s an easy one -- the application for the Sarah Lawrence Summer Playwriting Intensive (not my most creative effort – it went something like this: Name…Shari D. Frost; Address…), but I’ll remain forever grateful for the talented, creative, and graciously supportive friends and colleagues that I am blessed to have in my life as a result.

4) What do you do when you aren't writing?
Except for a morning ritual -- the New York Times and a cup of tea -- when I’m not writing I’m up to my eyeballs in laundry, groceries, cooking, car-pooling, errands, pta meetings, etc. Which is why I spend most of my time writing – I mean really, I’m a terrible cook, not the most punctual car-pooler, and not really all that excited about laundry… (Oh, unless it’s summer – then you can find me totally goofing off with my kids at the beach, in my kayak, on my bike, with my puppy, etc. Sshhh – don’t tell!)

5) Name two books that have blown your mind.
I’m going to name three: Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer; Horns by Joe Hill…and The Tunnel of Secrets, a lesser known work by a lesser known writer – my 10-year old daughter who is way ahead of me (and far more talented) having already published a novel, organized a book-signing and sold enough copies to support the local animal shelter and purchase her first laptop (ok, it was refurbished and a great deal, but still…)

6) What do you like to write about?
Current events mostly -- I am forever fascinated by the “truth is stranger than fiction” plot lines that leap out of the newspaper daily. "My Girl"’s a really good example of that. In general the characters I write about are profoundly affected by cultural and political events, attitudes and perspectives. I like to look at unique individuals against interesting cultural backdrops to try to understand how our actions and decisions are shaped, and how we can each best face the world and move it forward every day.

7) Complete this sentence: If the world could know one thing about me, it's that I …
…recycle everything right down to the tiny little wrappers on my tea bags; buy only all natural, biodegradable cleaners and paper towels/toilet paper/computer paper, etc. made out of 100% recycled materials; compost as much as possible; never use plastic shopping bags (well, almost never…) am researching solar panel installation and electric heating systems for my 125 year-old oil-guzzling Victorian; and really believe that we as humans do a crappy job of respecting and cherishing our home. Oh…and I owe my wake-up call totally to my son, who always selflessly sees the bigger picture, has a heart of gold, and constantly teaches me what’s really important.

8) Are we doomed?
Doomed…nah. Isn’t it just too exhausting to live that way? And depressing? And totally counter-productive, since it’s such a great excuse to accomplish absolutely nothing. Look how bleak things have looked all throughout history…yet we’re still here. But I am a little concerned about the current impact of technology (and I am hoping someone will surgically remove my iPhone from my hand so I can beat my addiction to iPhone scrabble, and my neck muscles will allow my head to tilt back up and look straight ahead again one day soon…)

9) Anything else?
I am so thrilled and grateful and honored (and shocked!) to be included in Awkward Two! I hope you like "My Girl" and it makes you think about things from a new angle and perspective. If you do, let me know at sharidfrost@mac.com. If you don’t, well, you can still e-mail me, and of course I’ll totally respect your opinion and your right to have it, but I’m not a big fan of negative energy, or rejection, and surely there must be something better you can do with your time than beat me up…right? Hey, I’m trying, okay?