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Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig Are Not Very Good at Their Jobs

July 28, 2011 By: Category: Greatest Hits, Movies, Opinions

I do not have any interest in being famous. I’d like to be respected. That would be nice. I’d like to make works that people enjoy. I’d like to be wealthy enough to not have to think about how that box of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream bars is going to affect my grocery budget. All of those things would be great. But famous? For the birds, in my opinion. The worst part would be having people bother you all the time. Leave me alone, dammit! I’m just trying to get my legs waxed in peace like a normal fellow!

That’s why I would not want to be an actor. Because the only way to succeed as an actor is to be famous. I mean, I guess you can be that guy who’s in those things that no one has ever heard of. But I would doubt there are a ton of actors striving to be that guy. If you’re an actor, the winning trajectory is to make the most of a small role so you can get better roles in bigger movies where you will be seen by more people and make more money.

Not that it’s all about making more money – I would imagine most actors sincerely enjoy pretending to be other people. But what I’m saying is it isn’t a job that can exist in a vacuum. Sure, you can pretend to be other people all by yourself in your bedroom, but I’m not sure how to turn that into a viable career path. A successful actor doesn’t just love pretending to be other people, he loves pretending to be other people in front of other people.

Unfortunately, along with all that pretending to be other people and making lots of money comes a few job requirements. One of those requirements is publicizing the movies you just got paid a shit ton of money to be in. Sometimes this promotional period can last for weeks. You might have to do one interview after another for a whole day. A whole day! Can you imagine? Like, 20 interviews in a single day, talking about the same thing. You might have to say the same thing 20 times! You will be fed and coddled and you will sit in a comfortable chair and you will almost certainly be treated in a very deferential manner by everyone who talks to you. But you might have to say one thing 20 times in a row!

I am being facetious because you know what? That does not sound very hard to me. But apparently it is the hardest thing in the world to Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig, because in this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly they sure do complain about it!

“I can’t do the tits-and-teeth stuff,” Craig, 43, says when asked about the grind of promoting a movie. “I’m not hardwired to do that. I can’t sell.” Ford, 69, is even more succinct: he just growls slightly.

First of all, “tits-and-teeth?” Daniel Craig just made that phrase up. Second of all, if Harrison Ford ever growled at me I would punch him in his wrinkled old man mouth. Look, Harrison Ford, I know you’ve been around the block a few times. But also: YOU HAVE BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK A FEW TIMES. You should know at this point in your career that being interviewed is part of your job. If you don’t feel like doing press for the movie, TELL YOUR PRODUCERS. I’m sure they’d be happy to give your cushy acting job to someone nice, like Sir Ian McKellen.

Well, you and Rachel Weisz did have a very private wedding. Why did you decide to get married that way?
Craig This question answers itself. You said we had a private wedding and now you want to ask about the wedding. You are barking up the wrong tree. No disrespect, but if you think it through, that’s the reason we’ve said fuck all on that subject. Because it was private.

Oh, give me a fucking break, you ass. You’re a celebrity who recently married another celebrity. What do you think Entertainment Weekly is going to ask you about, your views on Palestine? And who really gives a shit about your stupid wedding, anyway? Tell the poor writer it was a lovely ceremony and move on.

Look, I understand you don’t want paparazzi hanging around your wedding. Keep it private, do something respectful. Great. But refusing to even talk about it afterwards? Can you imagine if a normal person responded this way? “Hey Dave, how was your wedding?” “I cannot believe you would have the gall to ask me about that.” Asshole.

That ring on your wedding finger, Daniel–what’s that made of? It looks almost like copper.
Craig [smiling coldly] Really. You just see a line in the sand and want to fucking step over it.

Oh give me a fucking … IT’S ON YOUR FUCKING FINGER! Not only can we not mention the wedding, we can’t even talk about the ring now? It’s right there! WE CAN ALL SEE IT! You are not wearing a private, secret ring!

Have either of you actors turned down jobs and later regretted it?
Ford There have been roles that I’ve turned down because I just couldn’t figure out how to do it. And people have made great successes out of them.
For example?
Ford No. You know, Tom Selleck doesn’t go around saying he was the first choice for Indiana Jones. You don’t do that. It doesn’t matter.

These guys and their rules! Since when don’t you do that? And why shouldn’t Tom Selleck go around saying he was the first choice for Indiana Jones? If I was Tom Selleck, I would tell that to anyone who would listen. I’m sure Stephen Spielberg is kicking himself that he didn’t give the job to Selleck, ’cause then he wouldn’t have had to spend four movies working with this prick. I bet Tom Selleck’s a wonderful guy to work with. I bet he shows up on set on the first day with home-baked cookies for the crew. Tom Selleck! What a mensch.

I know that an enormous amount of discussion went into the choice of Harrison’s hat in Cowboys & Aliens. The last thing you wanted was for it to look like a fedora, like Indy’s How many different hats did you go through?
Ford I would reject them without even putting them on. I said, “This guy wouldn’t wear this hat. If I put that hat on, I don’t know who this guy is.”

Oh for fucks … IT’S A FUCKING COWBOY MOVIE! What were they trying to give you, bowlers? Berets? Can you imagine if you were a poor costume designer on Cowboys and Aliens, and you show up to set with five hats, all of which probably look exactly alike, and Harrison Ford is like, “I refuse to even put that hat on my head.” Or better yet, if he did put the wrong hat on his head and suddenly he’s playing his character with a cockney accent. Ha! Also: ugh!

Also: Harrison Ford, it doesn’t matter what hat you’re wearing, all of your characters are going to sound and act exactly the same. Because you are not a very good actor!

14 Comments to “Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig Are Not Very Good at Their Jobs”


  1. Er… I don’t disagree? But maybe… stop reading Entertainment Weekly? I mean, it’s sort of setting yourself up for disappointment, right?

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    • Surprisingly, no. This is an unusually hard-hitting piece for EW. But also: I am not entirely disappointed to find out that Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford are not very good at being interviewed. I do, however, think they could both benefit from learning some manners.

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  2. My wife read the EW article and couldn’t believe what douches they were so I googled “Daniel Craig cowboys jerk” and found this article. We both read it and laughed our asses off; the analysis is painfully true. Great job.

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    • Ha! Glad I’m not the only one who noticed. Also so pleased that we now own the phrase “Daniel Craig cowboys jerk!” Take that, Perez Hilton!

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  3. My disgust with Hollywood thespians in general is one of the reasons I turn to anime, actually.

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  4. I would so love to punch the author of this article in the face. Start writing about fucking journalists, paparazzi’s and people like yourself being assholes, instead of actors getting annoyed about being asked of their private life all the time. They are doing the interview to promote THE MOVIE, not their fucking life, so STFU and start asking questions on the movie, not fucking private weddings, which is obvious for every idiot around, but apparently there’s bigger ones.

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    • Wow! You really love Daniel Craig.

      You do have a good suggestion, though … I think I’m going to start writing about fucking journalists, paparazzi’s [sic] and myself being assholes. That sounds like a very interesting topic!

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  5. Hi Jeffrey!

    I’m spending some quality time catching up on my favorite blogs today and am so happy I read this hilarious article – just for the image of Magnum PI era Tom Sellek showing up on set with a plate of cookies. (And Harrison Ford spitting on them.)

    True story: My husband was walking down Sunset a few years ago, minding his own business, when Harrison Ford RAN HIM DOWN WITH A BICYCLE. Ford did not apologize – in fact, he gave John a dirty look and pedaled on. Classic hit and run. John was fine. (I believe Ford was shooting the film Hollywood Homicide somewhere nearby. . .)

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  6. Haha… I love it!!
    There are those in the world who are so powerful and wealthy, that the rules do not apply to them. If I talked down to people and basically treated others with such disrespect, I know how lonely I would be. The masses have spoken!! Those with ‘game’ rule the planet… The rest of us dwell with our morbid curiosity about their .. oh so glamorous lifestyles.
    I do however, enjoy most of the films made by these perceived douchebags. I also enjoyed this article taking them down a peg or two… although, I am not sure whether the arrogance and egos will ever to read this, or be bothered by it. I know many people who are successful in their professions and business life and they are real asses too.

    In we little peoples fantasy world…

    Harry and Danny are lying on a couch in an office somewhere.. ranting to their psychiatrist about how Ian McKellen and Tom Selleck get all the respect..

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  7. This is an awful article. Jeffrey, you said yourself you didn’t want to be famous, you have no idea what their jobs are like! You spend an entire article talking about what jerks these actors are because they refuse to talk about their private affairs, than end it with insulting them. This is simply horrible writing, and annoyingly bad journalism (if the word even holds meaning here).

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  8. Bobby Boulders says:

    This article is really a load of tripe.

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  9. Bobby Boulders says:

    Honestly I can’t get over how offensive and narrow-minded this is.

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  10. Bobby Boulders says:

    I’m offended on their behalf. I hope coming back to this article you one day realise what nonsense you’ve written.

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  11. I laughed hard when I read: “Leave me alone, dammit! I’m just trying to get my legs waxed in peace like a normal fellow!”

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