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Help with Your New Year’s Resolutions

December 22, 2009 By: Category: Best of 2009, Lists


(Editor’s note: As the end of the year approaches, the Awkward contributors have been hard at work putting together their end of the year lists. In today’s installment, Honor offers some helpful advice on managing your New Year’s resolutions. Enjoy our other lists here.)

1. Improve Your Relationships
Trust me, I used to work above a place in Beverly Hills called Dr. TATTOFF: Wait until after the paternity test results come in to get that tattoo. Ballpoint pens have blue ink for a reason.

2. Exercise More
Medical fact: you burn calories by breathing, digesting food and excreting waste. Save exercise for when you’re dead and these methods are no longer an option.

3. Lose Weight
Go to the Griffith Park Observatory or a similar institution near you. Find the scale that measures your weight on Jupiter. Step on, step off. You just lost 200 pounds!

4. Quit Smoking
New Year’s resolutions are like fortune cookies. So I recommend you proceed slowly, moving the ashtray six inches further from your side of the bed each night until you’re sleeping on the welcome mat. You can still have sex out there.

5. Enjoy Life More . . . In Bed
See, I told you.

6. Cut Back on Your Drinking
Make it fun! There are many games you can play to cut back on your drinking like “don’t finish the six pack until the company leaves” and “I’ll be the designated driver next time.” Or simply reduce the number of hours you spend drinking each day. You’ll be amazed how much you can gulp down when the clock’s ticking – and you’ll sleep great!

7. Save Money
Imitate your rich friends and refuse to split the dinner bill down the middle. Say you’re too broke to go out whenever anyone suggests a movie you don’t want to see. Never tip a valet more than one dollar and bake cookies for your doorman at Christmas.

8. Be More Politically Active
Sorry, you voted for Obama way back in 2008. But it’s not too late to ease your liberal guilt for 2009 – just flip over the copies of Going Rogue at the airport bookstore this week. Plan ahead for 2010 by taping a can opener under the shelf of stewed tomatoes at your local Costco. Sarah Palin’s book tour may be over, but Dubya’s memoir will be hitting big box retailers soon!

9. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
Wear one of those “Ask Me About My Abortion” t-shirts. When someone does, explain that you are a staunch believer in population control. Now they won’t judge you for driving that free Hummer you found on Craigslist.

10. Help Others
To quote the late, great Michael Jackson: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” So stop chewing with your mouth open. Thanks.

Happy 2010, everyone!

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