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How to Clip Your Fingernails

August 22, 2012 By: Category: How-to

(Note: In the ongoing attempt to find ways of monetizing Awkward Press, we’ve decided to change business models from fiction publishing to content farming. From here on out, this site will focus on informative articles that will result in high rankings on search engines and lead to increased ad revenue.

Many thanks to our first sponsor, Dick Pasta. If you’re interested in advertising on, please contact us with your name, number, and a list of topics you would like us to write about in relation to your product. If you would like us to review your product, please include any “no-nos” and/or specific language you would like us to work into our unbiased analysis.

Tools needed:
- fingernail clippers
- nail catching device (garbage can, ashtray, empty pudding cup)

1) Get alive. Upon birth, most humans are automatically preconfigured with a hard, keratin-based protective shell that covers the ends of their 7-10 fingers (known as fingernails) and 8-19 toes (toenails). (Please note: this primer will not focus on the toenails, as our sponsor Dick Pasta found the subject of toenails icky and not in-keeping with the fun, party-friendly nature of their erotic line of pasta products.)

2) Wait several years. Fingernail clippers are sharp and can be dangerous for children under the age of 16, particularly if those children are slow in the brain and/or clumsy, as most of them are, particularly the ugly ones. If you are under 16 and searching for information on trimming your nails, please refer to our upcoming primer: How to Ask Mommy and Daddy to Clip Your Fingernails For You You Baby, brought to you by our other sponsor, Duck Pasta (from the makers of Dick Pasta).

3) Once you have determined you’re ready, gather your supplies. (Listed above.) To ensure you’ll have the proper strength to complete the task, make sure you fill up on a bowl of high-quality, carb-loaded Dick Pasta.

4) Locate your fingers. The fingers are dick-like structures generally located at the tips of the hands (the pentagon-shaped flaps attached to your arms (the dick-like protuberances growing from either side of your upper body cavity.))

5) Locate your fingernails. As mentioned in Step One, the fingernails are a hard, keratin-based protective shell that covers the end of the fingers. An easy way to determine whether your are looking at finger or fingernail is to poke at the area of concern with a sharp object, like a hat pin or a syringe. Is the sharp object harmlessly deflected off the area of concern? This is the fingernail. Does the sharp object tear at the area of concern, resulting in pain, blood, and loss of flesh? Then you are most likely poking the finger.

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