6) Lift nail clippers. If you have not yet procured your clippers and need help doing so, please refer to our upcoming article, How to Use the Internet to Locate Stores that You Can Drive to by Taking Your Car Along a Road and Entering the Store and Locating the Item you Want to Buy. While you’re there, don’t forget to pick up a box of Dick Pasta for dinner!
7) Place lengthened section of nail between top and bottom of clippers. Important: ensure that the entirety of the substance located between the clippers is fully keratinized (nail), and not simply stabilized by keratin filaments (flesh). Tests are available at your local drugstore that will help you determine where the nail ends and the flesh-bed begins; novice clippers are encouraged to acquire and perform these tests in lieu of Awkward Press’s inability to provide a simple graphic illustration within this primer.
8) Locate the lever arm. Most nail clippers sold within the contiguous United States operate on a compound lever principle. This principle states that “when a thing pushes down on another thing with enough force the two things under the first thing will snap together.” In order to generate the force required, however, the lever arm must be moved from its at-rest position to the active position. To do this, lift up on the lever arm (the dick-like structure on top of the clippers), spin it around the top of the clippers in a 180 degree arc, then pull it back until it rests atop the top thing on the thing.
9) Grip the clippers in one hand. Use your dominant hand. If you need help determining which hand is your dominant hand, ask your friend to throw an object at your head, like a tomato or a scimitar. Whichever hand you use to swat the object away is your dominant hand.
10) Make sure your grip is strong. You’re going to need a lot of strength to clip the nail, so be sure you have enough leverage in your fingers to push the clippers down. Grip the clippers between your thumb and forefinger, much as you would a tiny dick in an individual dick-size serving of Dick Pasta.
11) Breathe. Using your nose or mouth, draw oxygen in to your body and release it as carbon dioxide.
12) Push down on the clippers.
13) Staunch the blood. Chances are you did something wrong. Use a towel to mop up the blood that is seeping from your partly- or fully-severed fingertip.
14) Repeat 7-11 times, depending on number of fingers.
15) Congratulations! You did it! Celebrate with
a hearty bowl of Dick Pasta covered in creamy, delicious Man Sauce (sold separately)!
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