Shut up! ShutupshutupshutupSHUTUP!

Listen here, Lost. I really worked my ass off for you. For the past several years, I’ve avoided every mention of Lost in the media. I’ve ignored every review, every article, every publicity photo. I did these things because I knew one day I would watch the whole series and I did not want to know what was coming.

And starting last spring, I did exactly that. I watched every episode of this damn series on the digital movie playing machine. My wife quickly “lost” interest, (get it? That’s a pun because it’s the name of the show) but I kept at it. I knew this was the last season and I wanted to enjoy it along with the rest of America.

But so then why are you being so lame to me? I put in my time! I thought we were friends! But you are not being interesting! Half of you is devoted to circumstances that are maybe not even really happening. And then the other half of you is stuck in some ugly cave with a bunch of dickheads that no one cares about.

Also, Lost, if you want to make things believable on you, here’s a suggestion. Try to give the characters some sort of perspective on what they have been through for the last 5 seasons. They have seen crazier shit than has ever been seen by anyone in the world ever. I would think by this point, they would all be like, “Now we can all fly and shoot lasers out of our stomachs? Rock n’ roll!*” Instead, whenever some new weird thing crops up, they say, “why, that’s impossible! I know I’ve jumped through time and fought monsters made out of smoke and come back from the dead and all that nonsense, but this new weird thing just doesn’t adhere to the same sense of logic as all those other things, which I found equally incredulous at the time.” You waste a lot of time on “that’s impossible” conversations, Lost.

In conclusion, you better stop dicking around and make me care about you again. Because honestly? I don’t think Sawyer or Jack should end up with Kate. I think they’re much better suited for each other.

* not an actual spoiler