Awkward Two, a collection of 33 micro-short stories by 25 incredible writers, will be released to the public on September 27, 2010. (You can pre-order it right here.) Who are these incredible writers? Let’s meet ‘em! We sent the same 9 questions to all the writers. Here are their answers.

Matthew David Brozik

I must open this profile with an apology to the writer. A writer’s name is his or her brand. Viking Press would never accidentally attribute a book to “Steve King” instead of Stephen. As a writer, I’m very aware of the difference between billing myself as “Jeffrey Dinsmore” and “Jeff Dinsmore.” (I am also painfully aware of the problems with having published my first novel under the pen name “Rory Carmichael,” which is that even members of my family did not buy it, even though they knew full well that I wrote it. But it had to be done for reasons that should be clear to anyone who has read the book. (No one has read the book.))

So here’s what happened: Matthew sent us a great story called “Baldfaced Lawyer.” He actually sent us two great stories … “Baldfaced” just happened to fit the issue a little better, but it was not an easy choice.

The problem is that we made a mistake. On the back cover of the book and in the TOC, the story is attributed to Matthew Brozik — no middle name. And that is completely my fault; we checked and rechecked the book, and I just didn’t catch the mistake.

So one million giant apologies, Matthew. I’ll make sure your name is correct in all the other versions of the book and if we do reprints. Luckily, the integrity of your thoroughly entertaining story remains!*

*Irony of ironies … in the original post, I referred to Matthew’s story as “Bald Faced Lawyer;” in fact, the story is called “Baldfaced Lawyer.” One word. I simply cannot do right by this gentleman.

The Interview Portion

1) Who are you and why are you here?
Hello. I am a man. I am a writer (and sometimes law-talking-guy). If by “here” you mean, say, Earth, then I am here by accident, I suppose, and because Earth supports organic life. If by “here” you mean the Awkward Web site, it’s because I wrote something that appears in Awkward Two. Perhaps you mean a third thing. I don’t know. I will move on to the next question. That will be best for all involved.

2) Why do you write?
(Ooh. I spoke too soon.)

I’m not very good at most other things, frankly. I have a talent for choosing the right word for an occasion and placing it near other words, also chosen by me for their singular efficacy. I have a talent for this in the same way that I do not have a talent for performing coronary artery bypass grafts or playing the clarinet, one of which I’ve tried.

3) What’s the best thing you’ve ever written?
Again, we need to define terms before I can continue. The most effective, persuasive thing I’ve ever written is probably a motion for summary judgment. If you don’t know what that is, you are fortunate. The most prescient thing I’ve written is a piece predicting that the creation of the new top-level domain “.biz” would cause more problems than it would solve. The most enjoyable thing to write that I’ve written is a collection of parodic stories featuring Bertie Wooster and his valet, Jeeves, for which I am currently seeking representation. The thing I am most proud of having written is an as-yet-unpublished novel, a comic supernatural mystery, and not just because it is, by far, the longest piece of fiction I’ve written. The thing that has brought me the most remuneration is The Government Manual for New Wizards (Andrews McMeel; part of a series!), co-authored with a friend from college. The best thing I’ve written overall is my undergraduate senior thesis, a literary-critical analysis of aspects of the Star Wars saga (which at the time included only three films). There were bootleg copies of my thesis circulating on campus while I was still working on it!

4) What do you do when you aren’t writing?
If I’m not lawyering, then I’m likely thinking that I should be doing more writing, or I’m trying to get something I’ve written picked up, or I’m looking for (further) representation, or I’m sleeping, badly, and dreaming about my teeth falling out. I dream about my teeth falling out an awful lot. Also, that I’m chewing gum and I can’t spit it all out. Like, some always sticks to my back teeth… and guess what happens then! (I actually have to scroll up some now to remind myself what the question here is…. Ah.) Otherwise, I do the usual things one does when one isn’t writing. I cook dinner, if my new bride is working; I hang out with our parakeet; I start books that I don’t finish (reading, that is); I watch Futurama; I collect antique War propaganda posters; I regret going to law school.

5) Name two books that have blown your mind.
Piers Anthony, On a Pale Horse and The Oxford Book of English Madrigals.

6) What do you like to write about?
Myself, obviously. No, not true. However, to answer a slightly different question: I like to write things that I’d like to read, and I write them for those who enjoy reading the kinds of things that I write. Put another way, I like to write about robot dinosaurs from space.

7) Complete this sentence: If the world could know one thing about me, it’s that I …
…had nothing whatsoever to do with that thing everyone blames me for. Yeah, that thing.

8) Are we doomed?
Maybe, but Earth will survive. I recently read (and finished!) a collection of essays by Stephen Jay Gould, and one thing in particular that he wrote struck a chord with me: Humans are not destroying our planet. Earth has already survived much, much worse harm that we could ever inflict upon it. On the other hand, we are killing ourselves. Humanity won’t survive humanity. Oddly enough, I take some comfort in that.

9) Anything else?
Is this where I add whatever shameless plugs I’ve not been able to shoehorn in above? Or tell kids who aspire to be published writers to stay in school and stay off drugs? Or thank the good people at Awkward for accepting my story? Or mention that I need a job and ask that anyone reading this who wants to hire a brilliant man who can write like a motherfucking riot please email me? No? None of those? Then I’ll end with this: My piece in Awkward Two was inspired by two people I had the misfortune to work with almost ten years ago. One of those is a decent man, with whom I remain friends although we don’t quite see eye-to-eye on many things. The other is a manipulative bastard who should—nay, will burn in hell. See if you can guess which is which. I think you’d be surprised!