My wife is out of town, so I took the opportunity to record a $exxxy video. Here it is, with longwinded comments about topics that are only of interest to computer geeks following.
It’s embarrassing how many times I’ve rerecorded this thing, and I’m still pretty unhappy with it. I can do that Mariah part much better and I did in earlier versions, but the rest of the song wasn’t quite as good in the earlier versions, so I said “fuck it, kill your darlings.” And the audio sounds terrible because I had to record it with the internal mic on my new Mac, because guess what? You can’t just plug a microphone into a Mac and record with it. You have to buy some interface thingy that interfaces the plug with the plug. Which actually, we already have an interface thingy … my wife has this M-Audio firewire box that has inputs for guitars and microphones and so you plug those things into the M-Audio and then you plug the M-Audio into your Mac and voila! Now you can record your guitar in Garage Band! Only you can’t, because I just got a brand-spanking new MacBook Pro (’cause I’m a professional, natch), and apparently there’s a new kind of firewire plug and this old M-Audio thing has the old kind of firewire plug which means I can’t plug the plug into the plug without getting an adapter to interface the plug with the plug. But and also how are you going to make Garage Band your like flagship program and then make it super intensely difficult for someone to do anything with that program unless they spend a bunch of money to buy the right plugs? Apple: boooooo.
But also, Apple not booooo forever, and here’s why. So, my whole life I’ve used PCs. I never had any particular affection for PCs, but my dad worked with them and I always assumed it would be difficult to move my documents and things from a PC to a Mac. (Sidenote: how weird is it that “PC” stands for “personal computer”? How did Windows-based computers get the lock on the name “personal computers”? Like other kinds of computers are impersonal?) But so the last computer I bought was a Dell running Vista (when will this story be over?) and it was like one annoyance after another, and so finally I said, “fuck it, I love my iPhone, I’m taking the plunge.” And so I bought this new MacBook and I switched everything over and I have to say, it is a damn nicer computing experience than any computer I’ve ever owned.
The negative, though, as I’ve discovered, is that Apple insists on having proprietary everything. So like, I had to buy a new $30 Apple-branded adapter to plug my external monitor into my laptop. And forget about freeware. If you need to do anything on PC, you can find a free program somewhere that will let you do it. Not so much on Mac. The flip side of that, though, is that I was constantly downloading new programs onto my PC that would inevitably conflict with some little tiny thing in Windows and then all of a sudden I couldn’t scan anything with my scanner and I’d have to spend 4 hours trying to figure out how to fix it and many times, I never figured it out, and I just stopped using my scanner for the purpose it was built for.
Point being, some people are like, “Macs are the best thing!” and then other people are like, “people who think Macs are the best thing are sheeping fuckers who don’t know anything about computers and just want something that looks nice sitting next to a Starbucks cup,” and then still other people are like, “I would like a computer that works, please.” I am firmly in that last category, and I gotta say, thank god I finally have a freaking computer that works. And if it makes me look super cool at Starbucks, well that’s just bonus beats.
Update: When I posted this video, I didn’t realize that I was joining an elite club of “Put It Down” aficionados who had beat me to the punch with their own incredible renditions of The-Dream’s masterpiece. I think my man KevJ just took me to school: