To all the haters who said we couldn’t do it, I say: INCORRECT! Why don’t you go hate somewhere else, haters? Because it’s not nice to be hateful. Especially when what you’re hating on is an independent publishing company. I mean, really. That’s just sad. You should hate on something that deserves your hate, like Phil Spector or koala bears.

Now that I’ve dealt with the haters, I’ve got a message for the lovers: WE DID IT! We made it all the way to page 3 of the Google Awkward search! Some people might be like, “what? who cares?” But those people are HATERS. And right now I’m talking to the lovers. So, thanks, lovers. And if you happen to run into any of those haters who have been saying such hateful things about how Awkward Press could NEVER move from page 4 to page 3 of the Google “awkward” search, you just get on Google and show them what’s what. I’m pretty sure they’ll be like, “oh.”

Check it out, bitches! A mere two days after announcing the Awkward Boners challenge, Awkward Press has SHOT UP two whole pages in the Google “awkward” search. I am proud to announce that we are now the 34th most popular awkward anything on the web, right behind Cracked.com’s list of David Letterman’s most awkward moments. I am so filled with joy right now that I’m literally peeing tears. Or, whatever it is that is the opposite of literally.

The relative ease of this triumph has led me to realize that I’ve set the bar too low. Yes, I still want to take the #3 spot away from Awkwardboners.com in the “awkward” Google search. But I am also now committed to stealing the #2 “boners” spot. How do I intend to accomplish this? Well, according to search engine optimization people, the H1 headers are crucial. In order to get cranked up in the boners search, I should pepper my page with giant boners, like so:

Boners boners boners boners boners!

Boners boners boners boners boners!

Did I mention that we publish literature, too? How proud is my mom? Buttons literally popping, but not literally.

If you google the word “awkward,” the site Awkward Boners is the third thing that comes up. By contrast, you have to click through to page 9 before you see mention of Awkward Press.

You’ve won this round, Awkward Boners. But we’re gunning for you. And we’re taking you down.

Now let us never talk of this site again.