As part of the nonstop barrage of information I get about the Awkward website, I am able to check the Google search terms that people used to get to the site. The lengths that people will go to to find that perfect answer to their Google search request is both beautiful and sad. In no particular order, here are the best search terms that people used to find awkwardpress.com over the last month:

Search Term: giant boners. Analysis: Now, it is true that I was engaged in a little mock battle with Awkward Boners awhile back (a battle in which we were miserably defeated … we’ve moved to page 5 of the awkward Google search since the last posting. Sad smilies all around.) The deal is, I wanted Awkward Press to dominate the “awkward” google search. If you type “awkward” into Google right now, the third highest result is awkwardboners.com. In my quest to blow awkwardboners.com out of the water (pause), I ended up incessantly dropping the phrase “awkward boners” for a few weeks. So I can understand why someone might land on us through that term. (And 10 people did .. take that, awkwardboners.com!) But how in the hell did 4 people find us through the search term “giant boners”? I had no clue, until I did a search myself and discovered that AWKWARD PRESS IS NUMBER TWO ON THE GOOGLE GIANT BONERS SEARCH!!! Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

My theory is that it’s because I entitled a post “Giant Boners” and then filled it with the word “Boners” in giant type. I won’t even link to it, because god forbid we move up to number one in the “giant boners” search. As a fun experiment in search engine optimization, I’m going to try it again with the word Awkward and see if that has any effect on our Awkward standings. Here we go:

Awkward Awkward Awkward Awkward

Awkward Awkward Awkward Awkward

Cross your fingers, kids!

(more…)

We’re doing it, you guys! I mean, I’m doing it! (Although, if you’re helping me, credit where credit is due … please let me know what you’re doing to help me out in the Great Awkward Boners Battle and I will see that you are given the proper amount of respect. Which is, frankly, very little.) But anyway, how shocked was I when I did an awkward Google search today and discovered this:

We’ve moved up to page 2! Only 5 days after we first moved to page 3! That’s gotta be some kind of record. Please call the Google people and confirm. (The comment was directed at my secretary. Get on it, Rose.)

Um, except then there’s this:

Just when a guy starts to get cocky about his Google position, he sees that hanging out 3 spaces above him. What is that? I don’t even want to click on it.

There is still work to be done, my friends. And by my friends, I mean me.

As everyone on the Internet knows, Awkward Press is currently engaged in a fierce battle with Awkward Boners for Google “awkward” search term supremacy. Of course, they are unaware that they are engaged in this battle. But as Patton said, “one-sided battles are the only ones worth winning,” and he was pretty smart about generaling.

When I launched this campaign against the awkward boners, it was really nothing but a pipe dream. I mean, let’s be honest … independent publisher Awkward Press really doesn’t stand much of a chance against a site as single-mindedly brilliant as Awkward Boners. But then a funny thing happened: the more we wrote, the higher up we moved. Right now, we are the 24th most popular result for the word “awkward” on Google. We’ve blown out the Be Your Own Pet album Get Awkward! on Amazon. (Which is a shame, ’cause I like those kids. Sorry BYOP!) Cracked.com’s list of Letterman’s Most Awkward Moments, the one that caused me migraines last week? Try 14 SPOTS BELOW US!

And the best part is this: not only are we the 24th most popular search result for “awkward” … we are the 19th most popular search results for “awkward boners.” It is a beautiful Democracy, this blogosphere.

And now, dear friends, the rallying cry. Do you want to see us take down Awkward Boners? I ask you, is it fair that a site dedicated to that most odious of experiences, the public erection, be ranked higher than a noble independent publishing agency that is just trying to spread a little common decency among the people and animals of America? In a world of children, do we really want Awkward Boners to thrive? I should say we do not! And thusly, if you have yourself a website, please help us out. Give us a link, wouldja guv’ner?

Related posts:
Page 3, Baby!
Awkward Press Rockets to Page 4
Awkward Boners

To all the haters who said we couldn’t do it, I say: INCORRECT! Why don’t you go hate somewhere else, haters? Because it’s not nice to be hateful. Especially when what you’re hating on is an independent publishing company. I mean, really. That’s just sad. You should hate on something that deserves your hate, like Phil Spector or koala bears.

Now that I’ve dealt with the haters, I’ve got a message for the lovers: WE DID IT! We made it all the way to page 3 of the Google Awkward search! Some people might be like, “what? who cares?” But those people are HATERS. And right now I’m talking to the lovers. So, thanks, lovers. And if you happen to run into any of those haters who have been saying such hateful things about how Awkward Press could NEVER move from page 4 to page 3 of the Google “awkward” search, you just get on Google and show them what’s what. I’m pretty sure they’ll be like, “oh.”