The Awkward Movie Challenge: Zardoz
Mike:
My Dearest Jeffrey,
Well, Dinzy Boy, while I do not quite share your blood-peeing hatred of Zardoz, I certainly wouldn’t be exaggerating if I deemed it the disappointment of the century. Broken down into essentials, Zardoz has all the makings of a masterpiece. You’ve got John Boorman hot after directing the erotic thriller Deliverance; Sean Connery clad in a red diaper and groomed by the Allman Brothers; a giant floating head filled with all sorts of good stuff, like the shrink-wrapped naked people of which you spoke and a jack-in-the-box, and preaching “the gun is good; the penis is evil” (can’t argue with that); and a race of immortal aristocrats with Princess Leia hairdos.
“Help me, Dickey Betts. You’re my only hope.”
For a while, the film kind of works as a political allegory: the bourgeoisie revel in the violent suffering of the proletariat; God is a bloodthirsty, manmade sham created to manipulate the intellectually and materially destitute. I’m down with all that. But by the time we learn that the Eternals are incapable of dying and wish Connery to bring them the gift of death (I wish they’d asked me instead), it has all descended into dull inscrutability.
Boorman’s execution doesn’t work either. I love cheesy, I love retro, but this kind of pseudo-psychedelic sci-fi has not aged well. There is much unintended humor, and even odd moments of intended humor in Zardoz (I love when the Eternals are shocked that a film of nude mud wrestling fails to give Connery a boner), but most of it is quashed by the film’s slowness and pork-fisted pretentiousness. At times, Zardoz is downright grating; the scene in which the woman with “15 minutes of topless screen time” tortures Friend by “singing” (i.e.: screeching like a smoke detector) at him until his brain squished, or something, had me wishing for the gift of death myself. And no, Jeffrey, I had no idea who she was, but I think she was supposed to represent the failure of Socratic inquiry to define the ontologization of a metaphysical essence. Or maybe she just represented boobs.
Perhaps Zardoz is what “The Prisoner” would have been like if it had been aimed at hippies instead of the Carnaby Street set. Or maybe it’s like a messy fusion of Barbarella and Planet of the Apes sans sexy Jane Fonda and the talking monkeys. Or maybe it’s like watching a soft-core porno through a lava lamp. Whatever it is, Zardoz did about as much for me as the mud wrestlers did for Connery.
Mike gives Zardoz… 5 ½ Sean Connery diapers!
Faithfully yours,
Mike
P.S.: A quick trip to imdb revealed that John Boorman is currently working on a remake of The Wizard of Oz. I can’t wait to see what color diaper he makes the Scarecrow wear!
P.P.S.: Somebody please stop John Boorman from remaking The Wizard of Oz. Stop him long and stop him hard.
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I had the horrible misfortune of seeing this one New Year's Eve (and if that doesn't scare you away from a New Year's Eve "party" nothing will) and as my brain slowly recovered its ability to reason several days later, all I could think was: How the fuck did Boorman manage to make 'Excalibur' after this? What drug addled studio exec saw 'Zardoz' and thought, oh yeah, we gotta give this guy more money! Because I enjoyed 'Excalibur,' so whoever that exec was, the man has possibly the keenest eye for spotting potential in a pile of shit in the history of mankind.
1I'm with you on this one. Bizarre, bizarre movie. I fell asleep the first time I saw it. Last time I did that was during 10,000 BC so you see where I'm coming from.
2I was on vacation in Dominican Republic when I saw this one with the wife. We were literally incapable of changing the channel for two hours. It was like watching a car wreck, except that the cars kept mutating into weirder and weirder shit. Honestly, the 'WTF' quality of the movie is actually strong enough to keep you watching despite the fact that you're in horrible, horrible pain.
3You/re all too stuck in the mud to appreciate the fact that Boorman has
deliberately obfuscated story lines and prior history within the context of
the story to allow (force) the viewer to use their intelligence, prior knowledge and imagination to fill in the gaps.
I have the sneaky suspicion that the general condemnation of this classic film is because the general cinema viewer thinks that science fiction in films begins and ends in Star Wars. Complex story lines and imaginative settings
have been stock in trade of the science fiction literati for 120 years.
The use of these sorts of devices in general release film has not been well received.
Shame isn't it.
4I ordered this movie online cause I heard about how bad it was, so my boyfriend and I watched it together. I was really stoned when I watched it, so I thought maybe that's why I didn't understand wtf was going on, but my boyfriend assured me it was just a really terrible film and didn't make sense.
I kind of wish I could erase the memory of it, and all those thousands of boob and rape scenes from my mind.
5Classic. The only good reason to watch Zardoz stoned is if you're looking to stop smoking pot. I hope you can still do so without thinking of boobs and rapes.
6The only reason to watch Zardoz is to provide credibility for novel attempts to ridicule Zardoz.
Zardoz, however, has been ridiculed by every person who has ever seen it.
Consequently, nothing more remains to be said ...
and no one should ever view this vile pile of putrid excretia again.
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