As part of the nonstop barrage of information I get about the Awkward website, I am able to check the Google search terms that people used to get to the site. The lengths that people will go to to find that perfect answer to their Google search request is both beautiful and sad. In no particular order, here are the best search terms that people used to find awkwardpress.com over the last month:

Search Term: giant boners. Analysis: Now, it is true that I was engaged in a little mock battle with Awkward Boners awhile back (a battle in which we were miserably defeated … we’ve moved to page 5 of the awkward Google search since the last posting. Sad smilies all around.) The deal is, I wanted Awkward Press to dominate the “awkward” google search. If you type “awkward” into Google right now, the third highest result is awkwardboners.com. In my quest to blow awkwardboners.com out of the water (pause), I ended up incessantly dropping the phrase “awkward boners” for a few weeks. So I can understand why someone might land on us through that term. (And 10 people did .. take that, awkwardboners.com!) But how in the hell did 4 people find us through the search term “giant boners”? I had no clue, until I did a search myself and discovered that AWKWARD PRESS IS NUMBER TWO ON THE GOOGLE GIANT BONERS SEARCH!!! Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

My theory is that it’s because I entitled a post “Giant Boners” and then filled it with the word “Boners” in giant type. I won’t even link to it, because god forbid we move up to number one in the “giant boners” search. As a fun experiment in search engine optimization, I’m going to try it again with the word Awkward and see if that has any effect on our Awkward standings. Here we go:

Awkward Awkward Awkward Awkward

Awkward Awkward Awkward Awkward

Cross your fingers, kids!

Search term: zardoz boobs Analysis: This one’s pretty easy, because we did an Awkward Movie Challenge about the movie Zardoz, and I was pretty fascinated by the sheer amount of boobs in the film. Unfortunately for whoever found us through this search, there are no actual boobs on our site. Sorries!

Incidentally, the exact same number of people found us through a search for “zardoz boobs” as found us through a search for “kyle jarrow,” who is one of my partners in this venture. If it’s any consolation, Kyle, more people searched for both you and “zardoz boobs” than searched for me.

We are currently the number 3 most popular site on the Internet for “zardoz boobs.”

Search Term: animal boners. Analysis: Okay, I knew this Awkward Boners battle was a bad idea. If they didn’t have such dominance over the “awkward” Google search, they never would have even come on the radar screen. And now this? I don’t even want to repeat it, for fear that we’ll now become forever linked in Google’s mind with the term ani**l b**ers. Just for kicks, I looked it up to see where we landed on the search. I got through 10 pages without seeing Awkward Press anywhere on the list. Clearly, whoever found us through a search for ani**l b**ers was on a deep, deep search for ani**l b**ers. Far be it from me to pass any judgments, but if you’re looking for ani**l b**ers, you’re in the wrong place.

Search Term: another awkward day goats Analysis: I don’t know and I don’t care. If you’re the person who found us by searching for the term “another awkward day goats,” you really should be writing this site instead of me. Genius.

Search Term: awkward public erection moments Analysis: Fantastic. We’re becoming the go-to site for anyone looking for erect penises. Just what mom always hoped for me.

Search Term: “shirt”+”20 comment” Analysis: Total mystery.

Search Term: explanation of Zardoz Analysis: Great question, Google searcher. I wish we could have helped you.

Search Term: gostbusters 2 hol movi Analysis: I’m not kidding. Just like that. One person managed to find our site by typing in the term “gostbusters 2 hol movi.” That dude might be the exact audience member for whom Ghostbusters 2 was designed.

Search Term: memeparty grandma Analysis: Amazing.

Search Term: prince jerks off guitar in purple rain Analysis: Thanks a lot, Segretto. Thanks to you, we are the current most popular search result for “prince jerks off guitar in purple rain.”

Search Term: the godfather apollonia weird breasts Analysis: Whoever you are: I love you.