At the beginning of March, I set our Tivo (or whatever our generic cable company-provided variation on the Tivo is called) to tape The Marriage Ref. I did not have any interest in The Marriage Ref, but it was getting so much hype that I was afraid I’d be kicked out of my “cool guys who know about things” club if I didn’t get in on the action.

"This is the most embarrasing moment of my life." Hahhahahahahahaha! "I’m going to murder myself after this is all over." Whoooo hahahahahahaha!!! "Seriously, for the love of God, please help us!" Ahhh hahah hahahahaha!!!

I watched the first episode, the one that premiered after the Olympics. If it had been produced by Mr. Nobody and was airing on some buried cable channel, it would have been pretty bad. But with Jerry Seinfeld and gazillions of dollars behind it, it was a train wreck. I decided it would only last a few episodes and I filed it away in my “Irrelevant” folder next to Heidi Montag and the complete works of Rob Thomas.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that my machine was still dutifully taping The Marriage Ref. And that one of the episodes featured Ricky Gervais, Larry David, and Madonna. If there was going to be a good episode of The Marriage Ref, it would be the one with Ricky Gervais, Larry David, and Madonna. Plus, I didn’t have any new episodes of Nanny 911 lined up, so I decided to give it another shot.

0 for 2! This episode was even more shockingly awful than the first. Twice as shockingly awful, because it occupied an entire hour of prime television real estate. At one point in the episode, Ricky Gervais declares that the show is a fiasco, and soon, all three of the panelists are openly admitting on air that they are taking part in an unwatchable disaster. But every time they make a negative statement about the show, it’s overdubbed with massive laugh trackery and joyous reaction shots from the host to trick the viewers at home into thinking that everyone’s having a good time, instead of what they are really having, which is a time of deep shame and career reconsideration. It was the most surreal thing I’ve seen on television since Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, (which I just saw for the first time a few months ago and is actually brilliant surreal and not awful surreal and should never again be mentioned in the same breath as The Marriage Ref.)

I didn’t make it all the way through the episode, but according to Time Magazine, near the end, Larry David says, “This is easily the most uncomfortable hour I’ve ever spent in my life.” and Madonna tells Larry David, “I hate you.” (I just tried to find relevant clips on Hulu, but the only option is to watch the entire episode, which you can do here if you’re so inclined. Hide the knives and guns before you begin watching, please. On account of how you will kill yourself with a knife or a gun if you watch this entire show).

Today, it was announced that The Marriage Ref was picked up for a second season. What? Who’s watching this show? Are you watching this show? If you’re watching this show, I recommend not doing that anymore. Your brain will thank you!

When I found out the show was picked up, I wanted to read articles by other people who agreed with me that this show is unwatchable. When I want to feel superior to other people, I can always find someone to share in my hatred on the Internet. (Except when I hated Glee, which everyone else in the universe seems to love.) So I googled “marriage ref awful,” but every article that comes up is from March 1st or 2nd, right after the premiere. As far as I can tell, no one has watched The Marriage Ref since its premiere. It’s not on the Onion TV Club. It’s not on Television Without Pity. As a last ditch effort, I googled “I want to read about how awful the marriage ref is.” That didn’t get me anywhere, either.

And that’s the point of this post: the Internet will finally achieve human intelligence the day I can google “I want to read about how awful the marriage ref is” and get the response I’m looking for. And that, my friends, is where my life is going today.