Awkward Press

Independent publishers of imaginative fiction and daily meditations on the ridiculousness of the universe.

You’re Doing Great!

July 18, 2009 By: Category: Greatest Hits, stories


You’re doing great. We’re really proud of you. That thing you’re doing? It’s great. Everyone here agrees. We don’t want you to ever stop.

You are a team player. It’s not just about you anymore. You have a responsibility to the team. Don’t you get it? You are a role model. The team needs you. There’s nothing stopping you now! You’re on the path to success! Some of us are uncertain about you, but most of us aren’t. Some of us have doubts, but those people are in the minority. Of course they are! You’re doing great! We all agree. Most of us. Some of us. Most of us.

What’s that thing you said? It was so clever. It was great. We were really proud of you when you said that. Jane wanted to get t-shirts made. I wish I could remember what it was! It was so clever and great! You’re great. You’re doing great. There’s something special about you!

None of us want you to die. Not a single one of us. We’re all really excited about the work you’re doing and we hope you never die because we want you to keep doing it. If you died, we don’t know what we’d do. We pretend that it would be great, but deep inside we know it wouldn’t be. We’re just playing pretend when we think that! We know it would be miserable for all of us if you died, because you’re the glue. You’re the glue that’s holding us together. Jane never said she wanted you to die. I don’t know where you heard that. Jane wanted to get t-shirts made with your saying! Why would she want you to die? No one wants you to die. We want you to keep doing great, for the team! The team needs you! Even more than we need margaritas on summer Fridays! Ha ha, we don’t need you that much. We really need those margaritas. But we need you, too! You’re the best!

We understand that it’s difficult to believe us right now, but you should really try. We don’t want you dead. You’re the glue! Why would we want you dead? It’s not just about you. It’s about the team!

Yes, we did try to kill you. We didn’t try to kill you. We tried to kill, and you were there while we were trying. That’s all! It wasn’t about you! You’re the glue! Why would we try to kill the glue? Especially after that thing you said that would have made a great t-shirt. Even Jane loved that, and you know how hard it is to please Jane!

We think you should kill Jane. After all, she tried to kill you, didn’t she? Well, we all tried, but she tried the most. She was the one who tried the hardest. The rest of us, we weren’t really trying. We were just there. We wanted to kill, yes, but we had no intention of killing you. We wanted to kill the first person who came through the door of your surprise party at the time we knew you would be arriving. That’s all! That was the person we tried to kill. Not you! It was your surprise party! Why would we go to the trouble of throwing a surprise party for someone we wanted to kill? Did you see the streamers? It would be ridiculous to buy streamers for a dead person!

Jane bought the streamers. She’s ridiculous, isn’t she? God, we wish someone would kill her. We never wanted you dead. No one. Not even Jane. Well, Jane did. On second thought, that’s right, Jane wanted you dead quite badly. She wanted you dead so she could steal your t-shirt idea and pretend it was hers. Jane is not a team player. Everyone knows that. Everyone agrees. It’s not just about you anymore. It’s about the team. And the team would like you to kill Jane. And so would you! It would make a great t-shirt.

We’ve hidden a gun. We haven’t hidden it, it’s right there on the table. Remember, we were just pointing it at you! Yes, you’re limping. You’re limping because we shot you in the leg. You can still kill with a wounded leg! A wounded leg is a great thing to kill with! You couldn’t kill with a wounded arm. But a wounded leg is just great! It’s perfect! Someone like you could really do well with a wounded leg! You do great work. We’re so proud of you. Now take the gun, and use it to kill Jane. Just grab it! It’s right there! Don’t be afraid! We’re all here! We’re so proud of you. That’s right!

Bang! Oh, that was us. We said “bang” in anticipation of the gunshot. We’re so excited! What a great party. Don’t listen to Jane. She’s having a great time. Just kill her, and it will all be over. We promise. You’re doing great! Stop crying! Jane, you too! Aren’t we having fun? We think this is just great. What a team! Surprise!

Summer Fridays are the best. As soon as we fix up that leg and bury Jane, we’re going for margaritas!

Now we remember! That was your t-shirt idea! “Did somebody say ‘margaritas?’”

You’re the best.

1 Comments to “You’re Doing Great!”

  1. Shea's Car says:

    Hey, that’s me in that motivational poster! Far out!